If miracles do occur, I want to show you now

He is the hardest to talk about, write about, and think about; but I do it all the time.



I had a dream last night.

My mild yellow hair bounced in the wind, my hand barely fit the palm of his hand. He held a light blue kite in his other. I could see white clouds grazing in the sky behind his head. I gazed at his face and saw soft eyes and a welcoming smile. The sun was out but somehow it wasn't the source of warmth I felt.

If I remember correctly, I think I was smiling back and using my right hand to tug at his khaki pants. My pink dress danced over my boney legs. My white shoes nestled in the green grass on our favorite hill. And all I could hear was the wind. He never said a word, but his love entered me with safe landing. I remember thinking this was my favorite day life had shared with me.

I woke up miserable.

Such a happy moment with him, but another he never got to share with me.

What I am trying to say is that I need us now more than ever. Looking back he did nothing wrong.

He can't go anywhere until I tell him how I feel. I'm sinking below the ground now. It's hollow - the memories of him and me.

June still burns a hole in my heart.

Now speaking directly:

I wonder if you will ever let your guard down; the barrier I built myself. I crafted your walls with bricks of cold steel without knowing possible permanence. I want you to know that I want to rip down your walls if it takes the rest of my life. But I'm afraid. Which foot should I move forward first?

Give me a sign. Take my hand one day so I can give you my heart. I am burning up.

Not even the biggest storm can wash away the memories of hurting you. I don't want them to go away. Can you see it by the way I move? I am becoming a women now and I don't want you to miss a single part of it. I don't want to miss any part of you either.

Brace yourself, I'm coming towards you. I'm going to tear up the fifteen years of loss and pain. Will you let me come back to you?

I think I will finally be able to move forward once I see inside your heart and know that you have forgiven me.