Starfish!

Woke up to a melancholic heart beat, so I drove to the ocean to soak up the cheerful rays of the sun. I ventured along the line where the water tagged the sand. It was a bit windy, but because it prevented me from hearing my thoughts, it felt very relaxing.
I must have walked a half mile down the coast before spotting a small wading pool. As I got closer to the pool I found a strange yellow creature resting on a rock six inches below the surface.  

It was a starfish! But unfortunately one of it's limbs was missing. Once the realization set in, my body began to fill with liquid sadness and humiliation. It burst out of my eyes and ran down my cheeks like a wild river flood. Oh poor starfish with a part of himself missing! Luckily he was already piecing himself back together, easing the misfortune just a little.

Seeing the starfish incomplete swarmed my body and wrapped it up with shame. Constructing such blue funk feelings a few hours prior gave a bitter taste in my mouth. Nothing about my life should've inspired a heavy heart that played tunes of hopelessness. 

Once I woke up from my awkward moment inside myself, I decided to step into the water. The cool water felt wonderful on my skin. Knee deep and looking for a place to sit, I crafted a seat with a piece of old wood and two rocks. Now comfortable and stable I focused on him, and only him.

There was a strange and undeniable feeling to speak to the creature aloud. As if it were to give acknowledgment to the starfish as my equal or something. I really can't explain the exact feelings felt at the time but I went with it and began talking to the sea star.

I told him that even though I did not know him I thought he was amazing and that the life he lived must be fueled by courage and patience - a remarkable scene. Asking questions like what was life for him on a daily bases, how many tears were his that contributed to the ocean we sat in, how can he be so calm while life passes him by so quickly with dark waters and salty hardships, and is he ever scared when thinking about how big his world is. All while having a lump in my throat. 

I wished to have known what happened to him and his limb. If only a starfish could talk...

I listened to the waves for a while as I composed myself and rested under the giant ball of fire in the sky. He moved closer to the surface since I last had my eyes on him, making me feel like he was interested in more of what I was saying; sparking another drawn out, one-sided conversation.

I slid into the water next to him and spoke softly about how embarrassed I felt about being sad and lonely. It was selfish and conceited of me to feel such things. Creating problems in my own world for reasons unknown to my fragile mind. I told him about all the precious opportunities given to me that I shattered with my own hands. Distancing myself from my makers and building walls around me ten years thick.

I managed to grow the courage to touch my new friend, balancing gentle strength and curious attitude. 

Lastly, saying how thankful I was to meet such a being. Honored for feeling such pain for something that had no ties to me. Bringing myself down to a secure level and admitting my wrongs to be lifted back up to mature ground. With a healthy sigh and stretch out of the brackish pond, I said my grateful goodbye and wished my friend good luck and to stay strong for the both of us. I told him that I would hold up my end of the promise as well. Leaving with a playful giggle and peace of mind - starfish revelation! 

My 5-7-5: Summer 09

August rushing in:
The rise and fall of summer;
Don't forget to write.

Wavering life form-
Gazing at Father's kingdom;
deepest wake up call.

Burn the book you read.
Wake up from this fairy tale;
there's no prince for you.

The picture on the wall;
the back, never to have seen light.
That is why I'm here.

Vanilla with salt:
Slightly off from what I seek;
the way I like it.

Monarch butterfly!
Gentle as you come and go;
but why go so far?

Move on? No, move not.
Even though you're not a cloud;
take things in lightly.

Lighthouse I'm perplexed!
Shine light on others for nought;
man made, yet man can't.

My eyes set on red...
A warm and innocent night;
will age mean nothing?

Yellow butterflies.
Gentle as a vineyard breeze;
they are inside me.

Welcome home August!
Please accompany me to
my yellow brick road.

Dear August

For most of my life I paid no mind to you. You were just a pointless month in the calculated calendar system. You were  a hot and lonely period of time. Nothing interesting happened when you came around. No doubt you didn't just come and go without a trace. A few examples if i may... You used your hot breath to silence and chain me to the couch where I sat under the ceiling fan. You used your mischievous ways when it came to nature as well. You really knew how to make me slave away, collecting all the leaves that fell from the trees in my yard. Not to mention the closing in on school. Oh and I will definitely, always remember fainting in front of my friends while running at the track. Thanks, really professional, August. Ok, these were just a few of the many tasteful memories I have with you. So to sum it up, I really hated you back then.

BUT!

Two years ago, my thoughts about you completely changed. You accompanied me to an unfamiliar place. A place where all my dreams could come true. A place where I could represent myself for who I truly am inside. A place where I could fulfill my goals of womanhood. A place where I could become a better person, share different culture, and experience new chapters of my existence. August, I have to tell you, you really helped me figure things out. I take back all the negative things I said about you. You are now a wonderful month to experience. Although you can be devilish at times when you pack on the heat. Other than that I can't complain because I have you to thank for my intimate nostalgia, messy memories, severe excitement, romantic feelings, and something to look forward to. Now whenever you come around I reopen the memories I experienced and think about how much I want to feel those memories come back to life. I get all warm inside and throughout your time here I tend to smile.

I would like to acknowledge you as the month that changed my life. I also have a secret to tell you too, but for now I will keep it to myself until I reach my destination. And with the hardships of school and coming into adulthood and owning up to my past and perfecting my career, will all be worth it: when I walk down that japanese yellow brick road, and while the chirps of the bicycles and the pitter patter of the busy people going by.... I will sit under the trees, on a small, wooden bench and soak in my little fairy tale, as it finally comes to life.

Thank you.

Loss of Words

Two girls.

Yellow butterflies at the beach. 

Seen by no one.

They were inside me.

I took her hand and led her to the edge of the pier. I paced our walk to give it a calm and collected feel but it was no use, my hands were moist with anxiety. I could tell that she felt something was going through my mind, but I would not satisfy her claim. When we reached the end, I asked her not to speak for a while. I nervously held her from behind. I pressed against her and wrapped my arms around her chest. I could feel her heart pound. It was deep and weary. I rested my thoughts on her shoulder while the sun said his goodbyes.

I could tell she was getting uncomfortable. I decided that it was finally time to explain my abnormal behavior. It was dark and we were the only ones on the pier. The mood was set perfectly, for me that is. I called her name and turned her around to face me. I stared deeply and forcefully into her eyes and asked her not to look away. She did so gracefully. What I saw in those eyes was a twisted scene. Wet, broken windows that opened to a world of loneliness. They were dark and dead. I couldn't take it anymore, I grabbed her shoulders tight.

I wanted to take away all the pain and suffering she had been brooding over for the past decade. I tried my best to make her happy that whole time. She would smile for a while and then things would go back to normal. I really wanted to help her. I had given her everything to the best of my ability. The only thing I had left was myself, so I did what I thought was my last resort. I leaned in and kissed her lips. They were so soft and warm. My heart began to sweat, my eyes began to rain, and my lips tried to suck out her pain.

I was so afraid to open my eyes to see what was before me, but I pieced the courage together in seconds. I looked directly into her wide, open eyes. She was speechless. I told her that I loved her and that I would always be by her side. I put my palm on top of her head and said that she wasn't alone.

The wind began to pick up and the waves from the ocean sprayed our warm bodies as we stood silently looking in opposite directions. I felt so lost at that point, I wanted to run away but I was planted on that wooden dock for dear life. My spirit gradually opened back up and asked her to do a favor for me. 

I said, " I know you are confused and flustered now but please to don't be nervous or afraid. I didn't do this to hurt you. I care about you so deeply. I just want you to see the world as I see it. I know I have already asked you to do so much this evening but if you can do this one last thing, I will never crush you again." I stepped back a bit and smiled. " I want you to close your eyes and think of all the emotions that poison your soul. Then I want you to climb on top of the ledge; don't worry I will support you, and then scream at the top of your lungs. Say anything that harms you, kills you, stunts your growth. I will be here every word of the way. Let the wind carry your burdens miles out to sea. Let the ocean deal with your worries. Let mother nature run it's course."

She was hesitant at first but went for it in the end. She stepped onto the ledge and prepared for her rebirth. I coddled her waist as she opened her heart to the waves. I told her to spread her arms as she spoke. Her journey was beautiful, though it was such a confusing feeling when I witnessed her soul. I was weak from her deep sadness that chained her body yet strong by the majestic retrieval of her life.

 She said so many different things but these words I couldn't forget:

"I am so lonely! I want to start my life over and forget about my past. When will it stop hurting? Will my parents ever accept me whole heartedly? When will I love again?"

I understood her pain and held her tighter. She spoke to the wind for a half hour. Crying and breathless every once in a while; and shaking and coughing the next. It was too amazing. When she stepped down and hugged me; I didn't say a word. There was no need. We walked back to the shore with our hands intwined. I grew a gentle smile on my face. I knew it was the first step to getting my best friend back.