Loss of Words

Two girls.

Yellow butterflies at the beach. 

Seen by no one.

They were inside me.

I took her hand and led her to the edge of the pier. I paced our walk to give it a calm and collected feel but it was no use, my hands were moist with anxiety. I could tell that she felt something was going through my mind, but I would not satisfy her claim. When we reached the end, I asked her not to speak for a while. I nervously held her from behind. I pressed against her and wrapped my arms around her chest. I could feel her heart pound. It was deep and weary. I rested my thoughts on her shoulder while the sun said his goodbyes.

I could tell she was getting uncomfortable. I decided that it was finally time to explain my abnormal behavior. It was dark and we were the only ones on the pier. The mood was set perfectly, for me that is. I called her name and turned her around to face me. I stared deeply and forcefully into her eyes and asked her not to look away. She did so gracefully. What I saw in those eyes was a twisted scene. Wet, broken windows that opened to a world of loneliness. They were dark and dead. I couldn't take it anymore, I grabbed her shoulders tight.

I wanted to take away all the pain and suffering she had been brooding over for the past decade. I tried my best to make her happy that whole time. She would smile for a while and then things would go back to normal. I really wanted to help her. I had given her everything to the best of my ability. The only thing I had left was myself, so I did what I thought was my last resort. I leaned in and kissed her lips. They were so soft and warm. My heart began to sweat, my eyes began to rain, and my lips tried to suck out her pain.

I was so afraid to open my eyes to see what was before me, but I pieced the courage together in seconds. I looked directly into her wide, open eyes. She was speechless. I told her that I loved her and that I would always be by her side. I put my palm on top of her head and said that she wasn't alone.

The wind began to pick up and the waves from the ocean sprayed our warm bodies as we stood silently looking in opposite directions. I felt so lost at that point, I wanted to run away but I was planted on that wooden dock for dear life. My spirit gradually opened back up and asked her to do a favor for me. 

I said, " I know you are confused and flustered now but please to don't be nervous or afraid. I didn't do this to hurt you. I care about you so deeply. I just want you to see the world as I see it. I know I have already asked you to do so much this evening but if you can do this one last thing, I will never crush you again." I stepped back a bit and smiled. " I want you to close your eyes and think of all the emotions that poison your soul. Then I want you to climb on top of the ledge; don't worry I will support you, and then scream at the top of your lungs. Say anything that harms you, kills you, stunts your growth. I will be here every word of the way. Let the wind carry your burdens miles out to sea. Let the ocean deal with your worries. Let mother nature run it's course."

She was hesitant at first but went for it in the end. She stepped onto the ledge and prepared for her rebirth. I coddled her waist as she opened her heart to the waves. I told her to spread her arms as she spoke. Her journey was beautiful, though it was such a confusing feeling when I witnessed her soul. I was weak from her deep sadness that chained her body yet strong by the majestic retrieval of her life.

 She said so many different things but these words I couldn't forget:

"I am so lonely! I want to start my life over and forget about my past. When will it stop hurting? Will my parents ever accept me whole heartedly? When will I love again?"

I understood her pain and held her tighter. She spoke to the wind for a half hour. Crying and breathless every once in a while; and shaking and coughing the next. It was too amazing. When she stepped down and hugged me; I didn't say a word. There was no need. We walked back to the shore with our hands intwined. I grew a gentle smile on my face. I knew it was the first step to getting my best friend back.