Tuesday, December 22, 2009
My 5-7-5: Winter 09
my past. Healing thanks to the
sword of the stranger.
A very special
bond, soaked in new feelings.
I will never dry.
The clear sky made no
difference when looking past
the pale horizon.
Pupils build and swell
while gray clouds slip westward
in the eastern sky.
An unrequited
memory: the rabbit fell
in love with the ox.
In snow: How many
footsteps does it take before
the first disappears?
New moon gives new light.
The breaking of barriers:
Ending of Lone Wolf.
Wisdom's encumbered,
as a chill breeze blows down the
rugged mountain side.
Snow falls quickly on
a slow beating chest; the heart,
waiting for shelter.
The glimpse of your warm
breath in the cool night sky spins
passion deep within.
The tree outside my
window taps harder now, than
in lazy summer.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Yakusoku
I feel that I can respect myself enough to call myself an adult, and in doing so, I have many responsibilities to dominate and trials to overcome. This is a fair trade for the life I want.
Growing up I always worried about what others were doing or what they might think of me and I never focused on what was inside. Recent revelations relieved me of this habit and now I look to myself to find out what I have in store for my own life.
I am making the leap. I want to live my life the way I want it. I am asking a lot from myself, but my reward is phenomenal. So, here it goes, the things I want in the next ten years (in no particular order):
See RADWIMPS live.
I want to speak and understand Japanese.
I want to move to Japan for two years.
I want one starry night with my unrequited love.
Graduate from UC Riverside.
I want a male Boston Terrier and name him Mugen.
See Dave Matthews live.
Enter a poetry contest.
Save a life.
Find and enjoy my career job.
Dance on top of a skyscraper.
Take my mother on a trip.
Get in shape/fit.
Host a party by myself.
Visit Philadelphia and New York City.
Wield a sword.
Hang glide over a vast spring meadow.
Play hide and seek.
Have one full blown magical karaoke night.
See inside of a volcano.
Write a short story and have it published.
Cliff dive into the Pacific Ocean.
Give a speech to a medium sized crowd.
Formally apologize to my father.
Spend one night in a forest.
Successfully radiate womanhood.
Have a happy conversation with a complete stranger.
Extinguish my social anxiety.
Calm my warring heart.
Got to Akihabara (biggest Anime/Manga convention in the world!)
I wish myself luck.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Hide and Seek
As I wait, my fingers tap anxiously
Yet delicately on the smooth, gray bark;
A shiver devastates my dignity.
I want to be found, but at the right time.
I shake with excitement. I close my eyes
To hush my spirit. My ears perk up as
The dried leaves break underneath your footsteps.
I slink into the red and brown, as you
Whisper, "I've found you." I open my eyes
To the ground and see your hand. But before
I can respond, we hear a whistle in
The distance; your mother's call. Finally,
I see your face and your smile replaced
The moon. You back up quickly while staring
Right through me. I am frozen. Once again,
Saving my emotions for another
Day. You turn away and run down the street.
I look up; the sky is crisp, and a chill
Breeze blows across my cheek. Winter is here.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Experiment
Backstory: While hearing the song for the first time, I had an urgency to write. I wrote whatever I felt and whatever crossed my mind during that time. It was surprising and random, but also very relieving and therapeutic. I changed the piece a little bit so it could be somewhat grammatically correct. Though it is still absolutely unorthodox, I decided to present it anyway. This is what I wrote in those five minutes.
I breathe in the memory and breathe out anticipation:
I can picture myself at the place promised in my younger days. It's night time and I am walking around in the biggest city in the world....
A promise was made. A spirit was left behind. I'm cold, but its okay.
I look up to the sky; there are no stars, but I can feel them.
I can feel them.
I can feel them.
Cheeks red, hands steady in the dark. The heart beat, unrecognizable.
Of all the promises I have been told or I have said, I hope that this one succeeds... It can't be helped. You can't do that to a girl without consequence.
I will return again.
I will return again.
Again.
I shall call you Ox; and I, Rabbit. For it is because you believe in it.
A promise: an unrequited memory.
Kiss the stars with me.
Again - none of it could make sense to a stranger's eyes, but this is what came out.
http://www.last.fm/music/The+American+Dollar/_/Rudiments+of+A+Spiritual+Life
This is the song that brought these words.
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
If miracles do occur, I want to show you now
I had a dream last night.
My mild yellow hair bounced in the wind, my hand barely fit the palm of his hand. He held a light blue kite in his other. I could see white clouds grazing in the sky behind his head. I gazed at his face and saw soft eyes and a welcoming smile. The sun was out but somehow it wasn't the source of warmth I felt.
If I remember correctly, I think I was smiling back and using my right hand to tug at his khaki pants. My pink dress danced over my boney legs. My white shoes nestled in the green grass on our favorite hill. And all I could hear was the wind. He never said a word, but his love entered me with safe landing. I remember thinking this was my favorite day life had shared with me.
I woke up miserable.
Such a happy moment with him, but another he never got to share with me.
What I am trying to say is that I need us now more than ever. Looking back he did nothing wrong.
He can't go anywhere until I tell him how I feel. I'm sinking below the ground now. It's hollow - the memories of him and me.
June still burns a hole in my heart.
Now speaking directly:
I wonder if you will ever let your guard down; the barrier I built myself. I crafted your walls with bricks of cold steel without knowing possible permanence. I want you to know that I want to rip down your walls if it takes the rest of my life. But I'm afraid. Which foot should I move forward first?
Give me a sign. Take my hand one day so I can give you my heart. I am burning up.
Not even the biggest storm can wash away the memories of hurting you. I don't want them to go away. Can you see it by the way I move? I am becoming a women now and I don't want you to miss a single part of it. I don't want to miss any part of you either.
Brace yourself, I'm coming towards you. I'm going to tear up the fifteen years of loss and pain. Will you let me come back to you?
I think I will finally be able to move forward once I see inside your heart and know that you have forgiven me.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Blank Verse - Remember
Slipping off the rugged bluffs engulfing
The salty spray from the breaking ocean.
I practice the freezing of memories,
Making it hard to bear the smudge of time.
Chasing, staying, waiting, saving
All that is you and me; treasuring the
Dandelion and the mage. And clocks tick
In my ear while you sit silent on the
Cliff, watching the blurry sun vaporize
Another memory. The head and heart
Are chaotic. I am ready to fall;
Say my name so not to disappear.
Summon to mind the first kiss underneath
Orion's Belt. Never, will I deny
Your life, even though I bend in the wind
Knowing that I'm a stranger, always.
Can you feel my tears? Are they warm or cold?
'Tis Nostalgic, or is it another
Blemish caused by cloudless rain from your sky?
Just lay your hand on mine to remember;
I am begging, don't forget about me.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
My Favorite Day of October
What should I get you? Where can I take you? Who should I bring with me? Why can't I think straight? The only thing I can see is your love. How can I reflect it back to you? I love you. I need you. I want to show you.
Would a tidal wave of sunflowers be sufficient?
Could a flood of happy tears and breathless speech be adequate?
Can a star that is given your name seem acceptable?
Will a new house leave you pleased?
.... At least I know one thing; all you want is to be with me.
And I, with you.
I am so happy. Today is a great day.
Happy Birthday Mother, Happy Birthday.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
My 5-7-5: Fall 09
The butterfly finally
came home for your love.
In the confession,
wild rivers run down deep;
patriarchal confidence.
Two touching smiles:
finally my first best friend;
eggs over easy.
Swirls of blue-orange,
largest smile in the sky:
double edge and flow
Last golden treasure
taken by mother nature.
Now look to the stars.
A ghost haunted by
the loss of words forgotten
under the oak tree.
Changing the daylight,
cool nights stir impressive winds.
A morning surprise!
Falling so far up
past the naked, dark abyss;
confronting my mind.
Shape shifting nature
unravels emotional
gifts sitting in clouds.
Reality check-
Green going on vacation
as I go to school.
Another Sunny
night filled with Dee and the gang
Hooray for Thursdays!
Sunday, September 13, 2009
My Sunflower
And I haven't even seen half of it.
For twenty years I have seen you from up close and afar, but I had never comprehended the magnitude of your being till now. You have reached me.
-the sweet smell that surrounds my soul
-the golden shades swirling in my hair
-the treasured form of innocence
You let me eat from the only heart source you had. Plucking your golden petals and carelessly walking on your roots. I stayed sheltered while you stood planted on the ground in the rain. But you never looked more beautiful when the storm finally stopped and the sun came out. You always fought my battles till one day you ripped open the cocoon I hid inside; unfolding my premature wings and pushing me out to the world. At that moment I felt I lost your precious affection but in time I realized your affection never ceased.
I have taken so much from you since the very moment I was born. Since I am older, there are so many things I want to give back to you but I have not quite mastered my technique at life. When I do, I will come back to you and fulfill my part of our circle you started.
There is one more thing that I need from you; above all, it is your never ending love. The love that never wavers or boasts, the love that never weakens when burned or cut, the love that never follows hate and selfishness.
With this I can go on knowing that you are satisfied with what you have created. You, being the one who is planted on the ground; and I being the one with your gift of wings, will give you the power to evolve once I overcome the past, present, and future.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Starfish!
I must have walked a half mile down the coast before spotting a small wading pool. As I got closer to the pool I found a strange yellow creature resting on a rock six inches below the surface.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
My 5-7-5: Summer 09
The rise and fall of summer;
Don't forget to write.
Wavering life form-
Gazing at Father's kingdom;
deepest wake up call.
Burn the book you read.
Wake up from this fairy tale;
there's no prince for you.
The picture on the wall;
the back, never to have seen light.
That is why I'm here.
Vanilla with salt:
Slightly off from what I seek;
the way I like it.
Monarch butterfly!
Gentle as you come and go;
but why go so far?
Move on? No, move not.
Even though you're not a cloud;
take things in lightly.
Lighthouse I'm perplexed!
Shine light on others for nought;
man made, yet man can't.
My eyes set on red...
A warm and innocent night;
will age mean nothing?
Yellow butterflies.
Gentle as a vineyard breeze;
they are inside me.
Welcome home August!
Please accompany me to
my yellow brick road.
Thursday, August 06, 2009
Dear August
For most of my life I paid no mind to you. You were just a pointless month in the calculated calendar system. You were a hot and lonely period of time. Nothing interesting happened when you came around. No doubt you didn't just come and go without a trace. A few examples if i may... You used your hot breath to silence and chain me to the couch where I sat under the ceiling fan. You used your mischievous ways when it came to nature as well. You really knew how to make me slave away, collecting all the leaves that fell from the trees in my yard. Not to mention the closing in on school. Oh and I will definitely, always remember fainting in front of my friends while running at the track. Thanks, really professional, August. Ok, these were just a few of the many tasteful memories I have with you. So to sum it up, I really hated you back then.
BUT!
Two years ago, my thoughts about you completely changed. You accompanied me to an unfamiliar place. A place where all my dreams could come true. A place where I could represent myself for who I truly am inside. A place where I could fulfill my goals of womanhood. A place where I could become a better person, share different culture, and experience new chapters of my existence. August, I have to tell you, you really helped me figure things out. I take back all the negative things I said about you. You are now a wonderful month to experience. Although you can be devilish at times when you pack on the heat. Other than that I can't complain because I have you to thank for my intimate nostalgia, messy memories, severe excitement, romantic feelings, and something to look forward to. Now whenever you come around I reopen the memories I experienced and think about how much I want to feel those memories come back to life. I get all warm inside and throughout your time here I tend to smile.
I would like to acknowledge you as the month that changed my life. I also have a secret to tell you too, but for now I will keep it to myself until I reach my destination. And with the hardships of school and coming into adulthood and owning up to my past and perfecting my career, will all be worth it: when I walk down that japanese yellow brick road, and while the chirps of the bicycles and the pitter patter of the busy people going by.... I will sit under the trees, on a small, wooden bench and soak in my little fairy tale, as it finally comes to life.
Thank you.
Monday, August 03, 2009
Loss of Words
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Goodbye Judy
I have enjoyed all of our memories from:
Late night/early morning talks To Riverside blues, TO running into HIM while we were not composed, TO that cute photo shoot of you, TO those heart felt revelations about life (which were my favorite), TO desserts and music, TO taking in the ocean breeze, TO seeing that B-Boy battle and much much more! You are a great roommate and a phenomenal person. I am so happy that we witnessed each other grow. I really hope we stay in touch when we go our separate ways. You are amazing. Thank you.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Smile: A New Beginning
Birth of a volcano: A short story
While land migrated and seas stirred with madness,
She made her home in silence.