My 5-7-5: Summer '10

The morning sun is
not the only energy
warming up my skin.

Pocket full of dreams
written on a post-it, placed
under a glass cup.

Discovery in
the lighthouse! It shines brighter
soaking up the Sun.

Friendly feline brings
the separated siblings,
together again.

Stay with me: though the
grass has turned brown, we can make
it turn into gold.

In this story, you are
the victim and I am the
yegg. How should this end?

Leading you with a
question, I hope you guide me
with a pure answer.

Paper thin skin for
the black ink in your heart; start
your story on me.

Mountains move in this
world I have created.
Move yours into mine.

Switching from willow
to cactus, I get what I
want, from what I need.

I found a wild
unicorn, not from Scotland,
but in Riverside.

Riding in Cars with Boys.

In picture: Erin, Naoto, Yuki

Learning:

No matter how close you are to them physically, you can be galaxies away from their hearts. 

Just because you caught their attention, does not mean you have gained their respect.

Most look out for "number one".

There is no gentleman.

Burping and flatulence is part of their protocol.

Lovely Short Temper.

Attention span - pretty much non existent unless they start the conversation.

Uncanny filter. (no filter at all)

A language barrier, even when speaking the same language.

Complacence.

They Cheat.

AND THE LIST GOES ON.

But Thankfully:

I had the opportunity to have met someone who has disabled these claims AND MUCH, MUCH MORE.

お誕生日おめでとうございます直人

Happy Birthday.

I promise, I will see you again.

For now, this is all I can give you: a song dedication.

Untitled/テキストメッセージ

Like in Chess: As your pawn, I hope you capitalize on me, so maybe after many captures, defends, and isolations, in your game of life, I could make it to the end, and you can promote me to Queen.

I would be grateful if you enhanced me. Good luck. Have fun.

Win.

Last Day of May.

I let May defeat me, but lets see who has the last laugh in December. I am ready to get back on track and reconnect the cord I severed from life and education. 

I wonder who will answer the door when I knock.

Love/Hate

Reckless and clumsy,

I find myself stuck in the

movement of evil.

Moon Tiger

At the front of my door step, I watch you close and I watch you open. My time is dedicated to you. Without time, I wouldn't be able to formulate valuable memories to assign the enjoyable moments as I watch you grow and prosper, while the space between the times I have with you sink into my comatose of a life. 


Your scent, oh, your smell will never leave my mind. And I see you everywhere; I need you everywhere. I like you anywhere. I hope to see you through every season we are allowed to witness with our allotted time on this earth. 


And I don't mean to be dramatic in the eve of the afternoon, but I used to live inside the shell of a coma: I am waking up. I wake up to you everyday. Don't go away. Don't go anywhere. Don't die off. Don't let the world wither you away. Let's restart. I want to nourish you, bathe you, move you to a better place. Oh Moon Tiger, I know you are striving for your survival, and so am I, but for the sake of mother nature, I will give you all I have to give back to you. I will give back. I am giving myself to you. 


I hope you can keep yourself open to me like you do when basking in the sun. I will fall into you no matter what. 


Restart. Live.

Breathing in Question

I had held my breath for a long time. How was it that you reminded me how to exhale?
I inhale the scent (strength) you lend me, and I let out the future I hope for. It is best tangible in the night when my breath collides with the sky and the stars play in your eyes.
And that is all I'll need.

As for you, what are you trying to breathe?
How would you like to breathe?
Can I even help you breathe?
Will I be able to deliver you a new pattern of breath?

Carve into me the

pain you harbor; I am your

Eucalyptus Tree.

Pause

I hesitate as the hypothesis
To my experiment deteriorates.
So instead, I will observe and respect
The discoveries that fill in the space
Between our movements that match, and our words
That collapse from the pressures of tension.
Be still! You are the vortex of your own
Whirlwind. Your howls under the moon sound
Like whispers. Please don't be afraid to speak
Up for yourself, and stand up to yourself:
What is it that you are really trying
To find; yourself or your future? Or do
You wish to be found? If so, I have found you.

I read you aloud, do you read me at all?
Help me listen; speak to me as you do
Inside your black hole that binds colloquy
To sensibility. And you must
Wonder where I produce the energy
When summoned in the night - It's your laughter
that I seek, and your indecision to
Share it sets me on fire. But just as
Quickly as you set me ablaze, you can
Put me out with the innocence you have
left in your embrace... So strange for me to
Say that I memorized your scent, but even
More so if I with hold that information
From you. Your tongue spreads like jelly across
My mind. It's sticky influence smears the
Path I thought I was predestined to take...

What is relevant, is irrelevant.
I like my feet on the ground, but I sense
You would like to fly. Couldn't I be the
One to watch you ascend to your sky and
See you bask in the Sun with the gods, forever?

Tutored by Orion

It's amazing how a conversation that is either not directed towards you or meant for you to hear, can change a certain, saturated part of your life.

I walked barefoot at the beach two nights ago. I just wanted to practice my senses alone. I had my eyes closed for most of the time while the water skipped across my toes and I listened to the gentle wind whisper into my ear. The sand felt overworked beneath my feet, and the foamy waves smelled of illness. I was well into my practice when I heard a man's voice pierce my concentration. It startled me and caused me to fall forward onto my knees into the ocean. I got up quickly and ran behind a black boulder-looking rock to compose myself. As I hushed my breathing and desensitized my knees, my ears honed in on the conversation the man and young woman were engaged in. I leaned over against the black rock and began to eavesdrop. They were sitting on a black and gold blanket with two feet of space between them; she had his leather jacket and he had his velvet voice.


"So he is your last salvation, huh?" The man paused, shifted his weight to the right, and pointed up to the sky with his left hand.
"Amy, look at the Big Dipper. That's the North Star, and that over there is Orion."
"Orion?"
"Yes Orion and his belt. Can you see those three consecutive stars?"
"Orion's Belt, huh?"
"Those stars look like they are close to each other don't they," said the young woman in a hollow voice, "but in fact, they're actually hundreds of light years away from one another."
"We learned that in elementary school."
"Well, that's Trent and I."
Her voice trailed off for a moment and continued in a stronger tone. "The things you see aren't always real. How hard must I try in order to understand the unseen truth? How far away is the distance between Trent and I?"
The older man leaned closer to the girl,"You want to understand him because you don't understand him, right? You want to understand him because you like him. So reach out your hands so that you'll gradually get closer to him. Unlike the stars, you have a choice to move closer, and strive to see what you are meant to see."


The wind picked up and five minutes later the conversation ceased. Unfortunately, I was unable to hear the rest of the man's advice to the woman. I heard them pack up and move on. I was underneath the sand: My eyes were on Orion. I was drained, finished, cracked, and dehydrated; but a minute or two later, I began making sense of what the strangers had said. Suddenly new emotions formed by the thoughts and analogies injected by the constellation conversation. I stared at his belt for a long time before I got up to make my way home. This was a lesson I was never going to forget; however small or insignificant it is to others, I learned something.

I will never forget it. I cannot forget it because I too, have a similar situation within my own story of life. This lesson won't be tested for a long time, perhaps, but I know for certain I will need to remember this because I am positive I will have to understand the true distance between the special people in my life, and do whatever it takes to move closer when the time is right.

Howls from your Lone Wolf

         I called to wish you a happy birthday, and like every year, I call you and all that comes out of my mouth is, "Happy Birthday" and that's about it. But the thing is - it's not it at all. I actually have so many things to say to you on your special day.

         Two nights ago I purposely set some time to think about you and all that you have done. These words came from my reflections in the moon.
         I lied beneath the moon while I enjoyed consuming the last remnants of winter. I waited till I felt the numbness of my fingers and toes to begin reciting my words born for you on that day. As I sank into the grass, I wondered if you were enjoying yourself; what were you doing at the same moment I was thinking of you? Were you with your favorite person, doing your favorite thing, and thinking your favorite thoughts? I wished to be where you were, though I had nothing to show you, give you, or tell you -- once again. But I hope my deepest thoughts for you can reach you now.

         Further into the night: I waited under the dark, speckled sky till I was just about freezing, so that my thoughts and feelings would come from my core, when churning with heat in its warmest form when appreciating you. In the mist of my celebration for you, my gift of thoughts swept me away to a place where I replayed my favorite memories that I had with you. I caught the visions of US. Oh goodness, I can't communicate these feelings properly, and also, I know there aren't words to describe the way I feel about you because my feelings are above language.

         In short, while praising you and wishing you a happy birthday, I think I was being healed: Thinking about who you are; what you've done for me; what you've done for everyone; sharing your gift of talents and friends; accepting me, and most importantly, forgiving me.
         I'm strange huh Dad?

Happy Birthday Father, Happy Birthday.

Molly: Breathing Comes in Pairs, Except for Twice, One Begins and One's Goodbye.

         There are so many things I want to say into your eyes. I feel that I would get this message through to you easier that way, but this is the best I can do for now.

         In what combination of words would best support my feelings of sincerity towards our friendship in the beginning of our farewell? These words must be perfect, but of course they will not be. This letter will be blurry and uncomfortable, like the way my eyes are as I press my emotions against my keyboard.
         The thing is -- I can't even see. I don't know what to see. But I feel -- I feel all that you have ingrained in my being in the last two concentrated years. They are all with me as I write to you at this moment. And I can't place a finger, a word, an emotion, or a phrase on how you feel about me, and that's fine, but I hope through these words you can understand how I feel about you.
      
         I have had friends ever since I can remember, but you were the first to make me become a friend. Since we became friends, I have seen you smile like the sun, cry like an orphan, shout at the top of your lungs, and smirk like a weasel. I rode on your waves of happiness and climbed up your tree of sorrow. You showed me the way to friendship without even knowing it. And how could you? Because with our peaceful journeys and radical adventures, I kept a sarcastic and comedic vibe between us because I thought that's what you asked of me. But in reality, I nurture the times we shared together. At times I look in the mirror and reflect our friendship and as a result, I finally see myself as a friend. A friend -- something passed around through voice, song, or thoughts; whimsically, absentmindedly, over generously - but for me I can finally see its true identity in the shape of myself. This is all because of you.
         These days I sit and watch the fog climb up my window. I recall the first time I ever cried for you - in December. And during the first time I cried for you, I realized I could not help you.
         And in the land of dreams, I see your nightmares. But this of course is not all the time. Every once in a while I see you smile and hear your laughter but they are hollow and wavered. I know deep down it doesn't go further than the outskirts of your mind.
         And this is where I begin to wish: I wish to see your heaving core as if it is impossible for you to keep your heart in your chest cavity. I wish to see the tension around the curves of your lips as you fight to control your laughter. I wish to hear your smile again; the one that could be heard over the phone thousands of miles away. I wish to see the muscles of your neck strain as you toss your head back in ecstasy.
         This might ... no this will come as a surprise to you when I tell you my most vivid point of our friendship. It actually happened recently. It was in the mist of chaos - the party. I was looking for you among the crowd. I scanned the drunken bodies as I felt the room fuzz and the ground shake beneath my knees. People pushed me left and right. Drinks splashed into my hair; I was lost. Just as I was about to give up - I saw your smile. You stumbled over the crowd and took my hand. At that moment I was shocked. One, I had never held your hand, and two, your hand was ice cold - the complete opposite of what radiated behind your smile.
         Anyways, what I mean to say is that I just have this feeling that you are keeping something inside. I laugh at myself when remembering your palm in my hand. It was my window at midnight; cold, dark, and lonely. And I know that I am just a figment in your weekly routine, but I see the path you walk. Why walk alone? Why not let me walk with you till you fly back to your beautiful island?
         I received a text from you today. Today and on, I will sink inside myself and spin a web of armor to shield from what is to come: Our goodbye.
         As this letter comes to a close, I just want to say thank you. If only I could calm your restless spirit so I could officially say that your time with me was well spent. Your brush strokes across my heart paint a portrait of happiness. Can you see it? I would like you to have it when we say goodbye. It will finally be ready on the day of your leave. And another thing -- I don't want to start over with someone new. So take anything that's better for you. Take anything that's better from me. You were never a waste of time.
         During the final moments of our time together, I would like to feel the palm of your hand one last time to feel the difference from that night. And you will not cry at me like you sometimes do, because you will be crying with me.
         .... As I again recall the beginnings of our friendship, I can remember your smile as my guiding light. As time went on, your light became smaller and smaller until it was a mere flicker of my imagination. So please, before you leave, send me that smile again. Let it guide me to our happy place. As selfish as it sounds, smile for me; into me. And so, my precious light; this is the beginning of my goodbye.

My 5-7-5: Spring '10

To Spring: The more green
I see, the healthier I
seem to be. Thank you.

There are no fires
on these hills, but there is one
burning up my heart.

Constant tears drench her
cheeks, staining her chin. My
wish is for her smile.

Wrapped up in your belt,
I am crisp towards you. I stare
as long as I can.

I brush the dust off
the card you sent me. I read
our promise out loud.

Lying under the
moon, I beat my chest like a
congo drum. Hear me!

It drizzles when the
skies are clear; it pours as the
horsetails fade to gray.

The words you whispered
separate like and love; please
don't let me forget.

Spring's birth is poignant;
and I can feel its needs while
laughing in the rain.

You look up at me,
but then I just feel down. I'm
not the one you need.

Like a new-born star,
you are untouchable and
impressive at night.

A Few Things Learned From the Little Sister

Jealousy


You swore three hours ago you were the center of all attention. Now the slimy, tiny, whiny, shiny, baby is born and your position of top priority is dead. Three years old and a fire starts in your heart. You feel angry but you don’t know why. You feel scared and you can’t figure out why that is. You go to bed that night not well. You wake up refreshed. You run down the stairs to eat breakfast, but to your surprise, there is no apple sauce on the table (in which there always is). You run into your parent’s room and see that “thing” in your mother’s arms. You call out, “Mommy, I am hungry”, and she doesn’t even look up as she answers. “You’re a big girl now, you can get it yourself.” You get that twisting feeling in your upper stomach. And in that instant, as a young child, you realize that this will be your life now. A powerful emotion learned from a young age.

The “I hate you!”

Out of the blue, she can become a demon because your father let you decide what to have for dinner when you promised you would let her pick this time since she let you watch your favorite show over hers last night. You ignore her reasoning and the lovely “I hate you!” happens. A smirk slides across your face because you know tomorrow she will be over it.

A Few Rules

You can use the remote in the allotted time.

She has to ask to touch any of your things.

You cannot cross the invisible line in the bedroom.

If you do something for her then you get something in return.

Friendship

At times you forget she is your little sister because you get along so well. You can laugh with her over the dinner table about what happened at school during 4th period, you can crank call “evil” boys in the middle of the night, and you can tell her your most confident secret. Also, you can go shopping with her, give her your opinion, and cry in front of her.

Connection

You are connected to her by DNA and memories and cellular text messages.

Odd Things About Her

She copies you for the first ten years of her life, and you try and fight her on it every step of the way. For the rest of her life she will be almost the complete opposite of what you are and what you do and you are confused by it.

She can tattle on you for things she does as well.

No matter how old she gets, she is called “my little princess” by your father.

She is the only person in the family with huge eyes.

She gets away with almost anything.

Self Awareness

Before she was born, you hardly noticed yourself as a person. You did not think of your name because there was no need. There was no one else but Mom, Dad, and Baby Girl. You find out about your name at the same second your little sister is born. You become a big sister at that same moment as well. You take a look at yourself in the mirror and see yourself for the very first time; you say your name out loud.

Expectations

You have to protect her. She provides your confidence, strength, and loyalty.

Sharing

This is mine. This is mine. This is mine too.

You can share a room and family with relaxed difficulty at times, but you can have a full blown war when: boys, toys, phrases, bathroom products, pets, space, food and all the little trivial things are involved.

Teamwork

Sometimes two girls are better than one.

When Father is wavering on a certain subject, it is always better to have two daughters clawing at his arms and legs. It is agreeable to have a duet of whining and/or persuasion than a solo in this situation.

Double dates are fun when with the sister because the inside jokes come out the strongest during these times - invisible judgment and teasing go hand in hand too.

When either you or her are grounded, you sneak food, snacks, games, and drinks into your room so you can have easier punishment time: A benefit to sharing a room.

Shadows

You notice you need to choose which shadow to use on your little sister. It is a tough decision because you have to choose between the gentle and reassuring shadow or the overpowering and selfish shadow that takes away all her shine. You ask yourself at a certain point in your life if you can deal with your little sister living in either shadow. Answers may vary.

Limitations

You learn that you do not have a say in what she does at a certain point in both of your lives. You can tell her what is right and wrong but she will decline your advice. She may even call you an idiot and regurgitate all the wrongs you have committed.

You cannot keep an eye on her when you move out to go to college.

The man in her life will be the new guidance for her – usually always bad.

Reliance

Your sister has not talked to you in nine and a half months, you get a frantic call from her on a late Thursday night, and she wants to come over because she needs to sort out her feelings about her boyfriend. You present yourself as a compassionate and active listener. She spends the night and you make her French toast in the morning. She leaves your place with a smile.

Experience

Having a distinct difference in birthdays creates that wonderful feeling called experience. You love knowing that you know better. You love knowing that you know more than her. This “experience” births confidence. This makes you feel mature.

Responsibility

You are to be the best big sister you can be.

Miura Haruma

  

I'm wrapped up in your belt.

Crisp towards you--

I stare as long as I can...

Today, I am my own Antagonist.

It's a f**king waste, the teenage taste of me.

Today - Defeated.
Winter Quarter - Pathetic.
Indolent - Yes.
Embarrassed - Absolutely.
Mood - Manic.
Spoiled - Precisely.
Paranoid - Undoubtedly.
Jealous - Affirmative.
Wasted - Most assuredly.
Dreams - Short-sighted.
Good Grades - Seems implausable.
Tired - For no reason.
Motivation - Abstract.
Aspirations - On hold.
Performance - Feeble.
Emotions - Tender; overdramatic.
Soul - Naked.
Mind - Disoriented.
Goal - Thankfully unchanged.
How to get there - Bargaining.
Resolve - Researched soon.
Regain - January mindset.
Happy - Imaginable.
Family - Needed.

Bounce Back - As soon as possible.

Heart of the (K)night

2 am: We stood on a street corner while waiting for the signal to turn green. His hands were in his pockets and mine at my sides. To nervous to look at him directly, I strained my eyes to the left. I got a glimpse of his clenched jaw; his eyes staring straight ahead of him. His hair swayed towards me, and I slightly tilted my head back to take in his scent with the passing breeze. I gradually pulled my arms in front of me and put my hands together. I looked at the light. Still red.

Cold.

He started to rock back and forth on his heels. I saw he was growing anxious.

Silence.

The strain on my eyes had become too uncomfortable to continue, so I pretended to look both ways down the dark and narrow street: First to the right and then the left. He was looking up at the sky now. He parted his lips slowly and let out a peaceful sigh. His warm breath took the shape of a single, mystic cloud. Oh how I wished to breathe in that cloud, the lively fog that knows everything inside him. I watched it ascend into the night sky. I smiled and relaxed my gaze back onto him, just to find him staring at me with perplexed eyes.

Disorientation.

I bit my lip and looked down. And as I did, I saw the reflection of the red light turn green in a small puddle by the side walk. Out of pure embarrassment, I racked my brain to think of any general questions I could ask to shift the mood elsewhere. I turned towards him.

"Anata no shourai no yume wa nan desu ka?"

I was a step and a half into the street when his face changed from stoic and collected, to intense and panicked. He yelled out, "Abunai".

I became puzzled. He pulled his hands out of his pockets and leapt into the street. He grabbed the hood of my jacket and jerked me back onto the sidewalk. In my peripheral, I saw a silver flash. A drunkard on a bicycle blazed by without warning. My head slammed into his chest and his right arm wrapped around my shoulders.

"Daijoubu ka?" he asked worriedly.

"Hai, daijoubu," I said breathlessly.

I quickly removed myself from his grasp. I tried to play off the tense moment by laughing and inquiring about how happy I was to have my life spared so I could enjoy some tasty ramen across the way. I tugged at his beige sweater and threw up a peace sign. I bowed in his direction when I made it halfway across the street.

"Arigatoo gozaimasu."

I could see that he was trying to settle down, but his breathing was hurried and his hands were shaking. For his benefit, I ignored his actions and continued on. I made it to the entrance of the ramen shop. I leaned against the door way as he moved towards me. He was a freight train: strong, committed, powerful, and fast. His breath sailed away in the wind; passion stirred within me.

Be calm.

He re-birthed my conscious as he made his way to where I stood. He peered into my eyes. They were dark but pure. I tried to fight off a shiver that clawed up my spine. Finally, changing positions, he grabbed my hand and drew me into the movement of his will. Before I knew it, I was yanked into his life.

"Baka," he said sternly, under his breath, as we crossed the threshold of a new beginning...

Awaken

"I wandered through fiction to look for the truth, buried beneath all the lies." - Goo Goo Dolls very first line in, "Before It's Too Late".

I'm tired and naive. I've wandered too far. I don't know what I am looking for anymore. I've forgotten why I even started. I can't remember the beginning of my saturation with fiction either. It's disturbing when recognized on your own. I better do something about this... Do you do this? Or rather, have you done this before? I have, in a few aspects of my life:

1. Social Skills - Lately, I have begun to notice a large difference in communication. When speaking face to face with friends or peers, I can't get anything out of my mouth. Maybe an undecided laugh or agreeable sigh but no input or interjections... Nothing. Oh wait! The occasional untimely red face that occurs when speaking with professors or people older than me. I also don't like to talk to people on the phone that much either. I prefer the wonderful, technological hideout: texting. I have recently thought about why I can't communicate as easily as I used to. I believe it might be because of my adventures with my new friends "Introverted" and "Overly Observant of Others". I originally started this to help me become a better writer for my classes in FICTION, and now it seems that I have taken a liking/habit to this style of living. (?) Yikes.

2. Creative Writing - Even my major is subject for speculation. I am not sure if I made the right choice anymore. It might be the fact that I am noticing writers don't really have that great of a chance to make it somewhere in the world, or maybe it's the fact that I am not a writer myself. I figured majoring in something I really enjoyed would be the best choice for me, but the "becoming a writer" after college slipped my mind a bit when making my choice. I just thought FICTION was my answer for school. I really thought of it as a "simple" truth. But. I will fight on.

3. Anime: The Most Ultimate FICTION! Ever. Fact: I got sucked in hard, and obsessed fast. It is sucking my life away. Crap! I mean I can just sit and sit and sit and sit and sit and watch anime shows all day long. There was this one time I sat and watched 7 hours of anime without getting up. It disturbs me to this day. I believe I started watching anime when I was 17 years old. The first anime I watched was "InuYasha". After that, I was hooked. It was at a time where I needed to get away from the world I had to deal with. You know how it is, adolescence can jack you up, right? And with that, I trucked along. I watched anime as much as I could and thought that it would solve all my immediate problems. Well now I need to get somewhere, be someone, and do something. Anime cannot do that for me, physically that is. I mean just the other day in conversation, I totally used a reference from a show I was watching hours before and I blurted out some Japanese... Why? I was so embarrassed. And on top of that, I want to digest more education and start reading more books and what not because just knowing about anime won't get me anywhere. Yuck. (But also, yumm. shh) It's beautifully complex and amazing. Wonderful stories.

4. Prince Charming - Let me face this head on. I do not want a Prince. I am not a Princess, and I never intend to be. FICTION screwed with me for a second, but now I am mostly back on track. I do know who I am looking for though. Enough said.

5. Dreams - Recently, I have begun to love sleep and dreams. I have somehow mastered how to "own" a dream. I can do or say or see or have whatever I want. It's a secret though. I will not tell the procedure to pure bliss and fantasy and FICTION. So, I now go through my days in a blurry haze, trying to focus on school and work and life, but the excitement of dreaming and what I want to dream about next, cradles so skillfully in the back of my skull. Thinking what do I want to dream of next? Midnight rendezvous? Genius Operation? Superhero? Assassination of a Negative Power? Love? Time Travel? Japan? Celebrity meet and greets? Flying? Anything I want. Being distracted by FICTION and slurring away the real and functional is not so good.

6. Japan - A place where I used to say could change my life. A place where I can start over. A place where all my dreams can come true. A place were I become alive. Blah... Doesn't that sound like a badger ripping a reindeer's head off? A place can't do that to a person the way I am expecting it to. FICTION had its warm, bright, deceptive hand on my vision of Japan. I still want to live there for a little while though. I just need to treat it as a real place, and not fantasy island. (I love Japan.)

But after all this said... I won't stop or change completely. These are parts of me, and what I like about me. I just need to use moderation and modification. I am just happy that I realized it myself, "Before It's Too Late".

Chimera (Delusion)

         In between a kotatsu and a shoji screen, lay two bodies. The small, unlit apartment stayed silent while clashes of light blistered the sky outside the window. Loud booms sliced the air, masking the emotional bond between two heaving chests in the middle of the living room.
         His were the first to land, slipping down her neck and dripping to the floor. She was frozen on her back with one hand on his chest and the other gripping his right shoulder, supporting half his weight above her. She looked up at his face. His eyes were shadowed by his untame, raven colored hair; and his lips hung loose as his breath fanned her skin. She heard his hands shake on the tatami mat as he slowly balled them into fists.
          Besides the melancholic rhythm of drops cast on her neck and collar bone, the only warmth she felt came from her upper right hip and thigh. They were straddled by his rattling knees. She wondered why she couldn't say anything. She had practiced perfect quotes for years, storing sentences in a sacred place, and imagining what he could possibly say in return. Now, she couldn't pluck out a single word. All she could do was stare at his quivering body through darting eyes.
         Her mind was a hurricane.
         Then, he said the words that silenced the madness within her. He said it slowly and carefully.
         "Hisashiburi desu. Ima, yakusoku desu."
         Her pupils built and swelled; her throat tightened, then expanded. The ginger gloss she put on so delicately over her lips minutes prior to their reunion, now bathed his.
         She had finally won.

A Life You Don't Live is Still Lost.

"I don't want to wake up knowing, I don't have a future." - the fourth line in "Impossible" by Shout Out Louds


         Now just reading the quote alone (by itself) might seem or even sound a little melodramatic; I took it as inspirational. I actually smiled, and blushing soon followed. Well, to each their own, I guess.
         It really got to me. That was the first time I heard anyone sing those words, or even say it for that matter.
         The first time I heard it, I took it out of context, only because I didn't know what the meaning/point of the song was yet. Currently, I purposely keep it out of context for the perfect boost of words I need to hear, to stay balanced and focused. I am excited about moving forward because, "I don't want to wake up knowing, I don't have a future."

Year of the Tiger

I do not have a diary, but if I did, I would simply draw a heart:
A record of a Love I will never forget. A love that I will proudly twist my fate for, just to feel it once more. A love that might not go the way I planned, but having felt it once, is more than enough to go on to something new. 


2010 is the year of the Tiger - a prep year for the year of the Rabbit, in which it becomes my year to shine and find all the answers I have questions to.


Cheers to my prep year!
Happy New Year Everyone

My 5-7-5: Winter 09

Snow, deep red, reflects
my past. Healing thanks to the
sword of the stranger.

A very special
bond, soaked in new feelings.
I will never dry.

The clear sky made no
difference when looking past
the pale horizon.

Pupils build and swell
while gray clouds slip westward
in the eastern sky.

An unrequited
memory: the rabbit fell
in love with the ox.

In snow: How many
footsteps does it take before
the first disappears?

New moon gives new light.
The breaking of barriers:
Ending of Lone Wolf.

Wisdom's encumbered,
as a chill breeze blows down the
rugged mountain side.

Snow falls quickly on
a slow beating chest; the heart,
waiting for shelter.

The glimpse of your warm
breath in the cool night sky spins
passion deep within.

The tree outside my
window taps harder now, than
in lazy summer.

Yakusoku

       I have never kept a promise to myself. No New Years resolutions touched or conquered, no birthday wishes fulfilled or have come true. Well, both New Years and my birthday are coming up quickly and I will make sure there will never be a similar past remembered from this day forward.
       I feel that I can respect myself enough to call myself an adult, and in doing so, I have many responsibilities to dominate and trials to overcome. This is a fair trade for the life I want.
       Growing up I always worried about what others were doing or what they might think of me and I never focused on what was inside. Recent revelations relieved me of this habit and now I look to myself to find out what I have in store for my own life.
       I am making the leap. I want to live my life the way I want it. I am asking a lot from myself, but my reward is phenomenal. So, here it goes, the things I want in the next ten years (in no particular order):

See RADWIMPS live.
I want to speak and understand Japanese.
I want to move to Japan for two years.
I want one starry night with my unrequited love.
Graduate from UC Riverside.
I want a male Boston Terrier and name him Mugen.
See Dave Matthews live.
Enter a poetry contest.
Save a life.
Find and enjoy my career job.
Dance on top of a skyscraper.
Take my mother on a trip.
Get in shape/fit.
Host a party by myself.
Visit Philadelphia and New York City.
Wield a sword.
Hang glide over a vast spring meadow.
Play hide and seek.
Have one full blown magical karaoke night.
See inside of a volcano.
Write a short story and have it published.
Cliff dive into the Pacific Ocean.
Give a speech to a medium sized crowd.
Formally apologize to my father.
Spend one night in a forest.
Successfully radiate womanhood.
Have a happy conversation with a complete stranger.
Extinguish my social anxiety.
Calm my warring heart.
Got to Akihabara (biggest Anime/Manga convention in the world!)

I wish myself luck.

Hide and Seek

I'm pressed against a eucalyptus tree.
As I wait, my fingers tap anxiously
Yet delicately on the smooth, gray bark;
A shiver devastates my dignity.
I want to be found, but at the right time.
I shake with excitement. I close my eyes
To hush my spirit. My ears perk up as
The dried leaves break underneath your footsteps.
I slink into the red and brown, as you
Whisper, "I've found you." I open my eyes
To the ground and see your hand. But before
I can respond, we hear a whistle in
The distance; your mother's call. Finally,
I see your face and your smile replaced
The moon. You back up quickly while staring
Right through me. I am frozen. Once again,
Saving my emotions for another
Day. You turn away and run down the street.
I look up; the sky is crisp, and a chill
Breeze blows across my cheek. Winter is here.

Experiment

Someone decided to share something very special, and with that I shared right back.


Backstory: While hearing the song for the first time, I had an urgency to write. I wrote whatever I felt and whatever crossed my mind during that time. It was surprising and random, but also very relieving and therapeutic. I changed the piece a little bit so it could be somewhat grammatically correct. Though it is still absolutely unorthodox, I decided to present it anyway. This is what I wrote in those five minutes.


I breathe in the memory and breathe out anticipation:
I can picture myself at the place promised in my younger days. It's night time and I am walking around in the biggest city in the world.... 
A promise was made. A spirit was left behind. I'm cold, but its okay.
I look up to the sky; there are no stars, but I can feel them. 
I can feel them. 
I can feel them.
Cheeks red, hands steady in the dark. The heart beat, unrecognizable.
Of all the promises I have been told or I have said, I hope that this one succeeds... It can't be helped. You can't do that to a girl without consequence. 
I will return again. 
I will return again. 


Again.

I shall call you Ox; and I, Rabbit. For it is because you believe in it. 
A promise: an unrequited memory.
Kiss the stars with me.


Again - none of it could make sense to a stranger's eyes, but this is what came out.


http://www.last.fm/music/The+American+Dollar/_/Rudiments+of+A+Spiritual+Life
This is the song that brought these words. 

If miracles do occur, I want to show you now

He is the hardest to talk about, write about, and think about; but I do it all the time.



I had a dream last night.

My mild yellow hair bounced in the wind, my hand barely fit the palm of his hand. He held a light blue kite in his other. I could see white clouds grazing in the sky behind his head. I gazed at his face and saw soft eyes and a welcoming smile. The sun was out but somehow it wasn't the source of warmth I felt.

If I remember correctly, I think I was smiling back and using my right hand to tug at his khaki pants. My pink dress danced over my boney legs. My white shoes nestled in the green grass on our favorite hill. And all I could hear was the wind. He never said a word, but his love entered me with safe landing. I remember thinking this was my favorite day life had shared with me.

I woke up miserable.

Such a happy moment with him, but another he never got to share with me.

What I am trying to say is that I need us now more than ever. Looking back he did nothing wrong.

He can't go anywhere until I tell him how I feel. I'm sinking below the ground now. It's hollow - the memories of him and me.

June still burns a hole in my heart.

Now speaking directly:

I wonder if you will ever let your guard down; the barrier I built myself. I crafted your walls with bricks of cold steel without knowing possible permanence. I want you to know that I want to rip down your walls if it takes the rest of my life. But I'm afraid. Which foot should I move forward first?

Give me a sign. Take my hand one day so I can give you my heart. I am burning up.

Not even the biggest storm can wash away the memories of hurting you. I don't want them to go away. Can you see it by the way I move? I am becoming a women now and I don't want you to miss a single part of it. I don't want to miss any part of you either.

Brace yourself, I'm coming towards you. I'm going to tear up the fifteen years of loss and pain. Will you let me come back to you?

I think I will finally be able to move forward once I see inside your heart and know that you have forgiven me.

Blank Verse - Remember

Constant mist on the hills of Vietnam,
Slipping off the rugged bluffs engulfing
The salty spray from the breaking ocean.
I practice the freezing of memories,
Making it hard to bear the smudge of time.
Chasing, staying, waiting, saving
All that is you and me; treasuring the
Dandelion and the mage. And clocks tick
In my ear while you sit silent on the
Cliff, watching the blurry sun vaporize
Another memory. The head and heart
Are chaotic. I am ready to fall;
Say my name so not to disappear.
Summon to mind the first kiss underneath
Orion's Belt. Never, will I deny
Your life, even though I bend in the wind
Knowing that I'm a stranger, always.
Can you feel my tears? Are they warm or cold?
'Tis Nostalgic, or is it another
Blemish caused by cloudless rain from your sky?
Just lay your hand on mine to remember;
I am begging, don't forget about me.

My Favorite Day of October

Were you born in the early morning when the Sun was waking? Were you born when the Moon coaxed the world to sleep? Or maybe you came here when the Sun was highest in the sky. Oh goodness, just another piece of you I don't know. You are becoming the most valuable puzzle I call mine and yet so many pieces are missing. I hope to collect them soon.

What should I get you? Where can I take you? Who should I bring with me? Why can't I think straight? The only thing I can see is your love. How can I reflect it back to you? I love you. I need you. I want to show you.

Would a tidal wave of sunflowers be sufficient?
Could a flood of happy tears and breathless speech be adequate?
Can a star that is given your name seem acceptable?
Will a new house leave you pleased?

.... At least I know one thing; all you want is to be with me.
And I, with you.

I am so happy. Today is a great day.
Happy Birthday Mother, Happy Birthday.

My 5-7-5: Fall 09

Sunflower patience:
The butterfly finally
came home for your love.

In the confession,
wild rivers run down deep;
patriarchal confidence.

Two touching smiles:
finally my first best friend;
eggs over easy.

Swirls of blue-orange,
largest smile in the sky:
double edge and flow

Last golden treasure
taken by mother nature.
Now look to the stars.

A ghost haunted by
the loss of words forgotten
under the oak tree.

Changing the daylight,
cool nights stir impressive winds.
A morning surprise!

Falling so far up
past the naked, dark abyss;
confronting my mind.

Shape shifting nature
unravels emotional
gifts sitting in clouds.

Reality check-
Green going on vacation
as I go to school.

Another Sunny
night filled with Dee and the gang
Hooray for Thursdays!

My Sunflower

Over forty years in the making -
And I haven't even seen half of it.

For twenty years I have seen you from up close and afar, but I had never comprehended the magnitude of your being till now. You have reached me.
-the sweet smell that surrounds my soul
-the golden shades swirling in my hair
-the treasured form of innocence
You let me eat from the only heart source you had. Plucking your golden petals and carelessly walking on your roots. I stayed sheltered while you stood planted on the ground in the rain. But you never looked more beautiful when the storm finally stopped and the sun came out. You always fought my battles till one day you ripped open the cocoon I hid inside; unfolding my premature wings and pushing me out to the world. At that moment I felt I lost your precious affection but in time I realized your affection never ceased.
I have taken so much from you since the very moment I was born. Since I am older, there are so many things I want to give back to you but I have not quite mastered my technique at life. When I do, I will come back to you and fulfill my part of our circle you started.
There is one more thing that I need from you; above all, it is your never ending love. The love that never wavers or boasts, the love that never weakens when burned or cut, the love that never follows hate and selfishness.
With this I can go on knowing that you are satisfied with what you have created. You, being the one who is planted on the ground; and I being the one with your gift of wings, will give you the power to evolve once I overcome the past, present, and future.

Now, like a Monarch Butterfly, I come and go,

because my quest is not over.

Though I am not in Kansas, you'll always be my sunflower.

Starfish!

Woke up to a melancholic heart beat, so I drove to the ocean to soak up the cheerful rays of the sun. I ventured along the line where the water tagged the sand. It was a bit windy, but because it prevented me from hearing my thoughts, it felt very relaxing.
I must have walked a half mile down the coast before spotting a small wading pool. As I got closer to the pool I found a strange yellow creature resting on a rock six inches below the surface.  

It was a starfish! But unfortunately one of it's limbs was missing. Once the realization set in, my body began to fill with liquid sadness and humiliation. It burst out of my eyes and ran down my cheeks like a wild river flood. Oh poor starfish with a part of himself missing! Luckily he was already piecing himself back together, easing the misfortune just a little.

Seeing the starfish incomplete swarmed my body and wrapped it up with shame. Constructing such blue funk feelings a few hours prior gave a bitter taste in my mouth. Nothing about my life should've inspired a heavy heart that played tunes of hopelessness. 

Once I woke up from my awkward moment inside myself, I decided to step into the water. The cool water felt wonderful on my skin. Knee deep and looking for a place to sit, I crafted a seat with a piece of old wood and two rocks. Now comfortable and stable I focused on him, and only him.

There was a strange and undeniable feeling to speak to the creature aloud. As if it were to give acknowledgment to the starfish as my equal or something. I really can't explain the exact feelings felt at the time but I went with it and began talking to the sea star.

I told him that even though I did not know him I thought he was amazing and that the life he lived must be fueled by courage and patience - a remarkable scene. Asking questions like what was life for him on a daily bases, how many tears were his that contributed to the ocean we sat in, how can he be so calm while life passes him by so quickly with dark waters and salty hardships, and is he ever scared when thinking about how big his world is. All while having a lump in my throat. 

I wished to have known what happened to him and his limb. If only a starfish could talk...

I listened to the waves for a while as I composed myself and rested under the giant ball of fire in the sky. He moved closer to the surface since I last had my eyes on him, making me feel like he was interested in more of what I was saying; sparking another drawn out, one-sided conversation.

I slid into the water next to him and spoke softly about how embarrassed I felt about being sad and lonely. It was selfish and conceited of me to feel such things. Creating problems in my own world for reasons unknown to my fragile mind. I told him about all the precious opportunities given to me that I shattered with my own hands. Distancing myself from my makers and building walls around me ten years thick.

I managed to grow the courage to touch my new friend, balancing gentle strength and curious attitude. 

Lastly, saying how thankful I was to meet such a being. Honored for feeling such pain for something that had no ties to me. Bringing myself down to a secure level and admitting my wrongs to be lifted back up to mature ground. With a healthy sigh and stretch out of the brackish pond, I said my grateful goodbye and wished my friend good luck and to stay strong for the both of us. I told him that I would hold up my end of the promise as well. Leaving with a playful giggle and peace of mind - starfish revelation! 

My 5-7-5: Summer 09

August rushing in:
The rise and fall of summer;
Don't forget to write.

Wavering life form-
Gazing at Father's kingdom;
deepest wake up call.

Burn the book you read.
Wake up from this fairy tale;
there's no prince for you.

The picture on the wall;
the back, never to have seen light.
That is why I'm here.

Vanilla with salt:
Slightly off from what I seek;
the way I like it.

Monarch butterfly!
Gentle as you come and go;
but why go so far?

Move on? No, move not.
Even though you're not a cloud;
take things in lightly.

Lighthouse I'm perplexed!
Shine light on others for nought;
man made, yet man can't.

My eyes set on red...
A warm and innocent night;
will age mean nothing?

Yellow butterflies.
Gentle as a vineyard breeze;
they are inside me.

Welcome home August!
Please accompany me to
my yellow brick road.

Dear August

For most of my life I paid no mind to you. You were just a pointless month in the calculated calendar system. You were  a hot and lonely period of time. Nothing interesting happened when you came around. No doubt you didn't just come and go without a trace. A few examples if i may... You used your hot breath to silence and chain me to the couch where I sat under the ceiling fan. You used your mischievous ways when it came to nature as well. You really knew how to make me slave away, collecting all the leaves that fell from the trees in my yard. Not to mention the closing in on school. Oh and I will definitely, always remember fainting in front of my friends while running at the track. Thanks, really professional, August. Ok, these were just a few of the many tasteful memories I have with you. So to sum it up, I really hated you back then.

BUT!

Two years ago, my thoughts about you completely changed. You accompanied me to an unfamiliar place. A place where all my dreams could come true. A place where I could represent myself for who I truly am inside. A place where I could fulfill my goals of womanhood. A place where I could become a better person, share different culture, and experience new chapters of my existence. August, I have to tell you, you really helped me figure things out. I take back all the negative things I said about you. You are now a wonderful month to experience. Although you can be devilish at times when you pack on the heat. Other than that I can't complain because I have you to thank for my intimate nostalgia, messy memories, severe excitement, romantic feelings, and something to look forward to. Now whenever you come around I reopen the memories I experienced and think about how much I want to feel those memories come back to life. I get all warm inside and throughout your time here I tend to smile.

I would like to acknowledge you as the month that changed my life. I also have a secret to tell you too, but for now I will keep it to myself until I reach my destination. And with the hardships of school and coming into adulthood and owning up to my past and perfecting my career, will all be worth it: when I walk down that japanese yellow brick road, and while the chirps of the bicycles and the pitter patter of the busy people going by.... I will sit under the trees, on a small, wooden bench and soak in my little fairy tale, as it finally comes to life.

Thank you.

Loss of Words

Two girls.

Yellow butterflies at the beach. 

Seen by no one.

They were inside me.

I took her hand and led her to the edge of the pier. I paced our walk to give it a calm and collected feel but it was no use, my hands were moist with anxiety. I could tell that she felt something was going through my mind, but I would not satisfy her claim. When we reached the end, I asked her not to speak for a while. I nervously held her from behind. I pressed against her and wrapped my arms around her chest. I could feel her heart pound. It was deep and weary. I rested my thoughts on her shoulder while the sun said his goodbyes.

I could tell she was getting uncomfortable. I decided that it was finally time to explain my abnormal behavior. It was dark and we were the only ones on the pier. The mood was set perfectly, for me that is. I called her name and turned her around to face me. I stared deeply and forcefully into her eyes and asked her not to look away. She did so gracefully. What I saw in those eyes was a twisted scene. Wet, broken windows that opened to a world of loneliness. They were dark and dead. I couldn't take it anymore, I grabbed her shoulders tight.

I wanted to take away all the pain and suffering she had been brooding over for the past decade. I tried my best to make her happy that whole time. She would smile for a while and then things would go back to normal. I really wanted to help her. I had given her everything to the best of my ability. The only thing I had left was myself, so I did what I thought was my last resort. I leaned in and kissed her lips. They were so soft and warm. My heart began to sweat, my eyes began to rain, and my lips tried to suck out her pain.

I was so afraid to open my eyes to see what was before me, but I pieced the courage together in seconds. I looked directly into her wide, open eyes. She was speechless. I told her that I loved her and that I would always be by her side. I put my palm on top of her head and said that she wasn't alone.

The wind began to pick up and the waves from the ocean sprayed our warm bodies as we stood silently looking in opposite directions. I felt so lost at that point, I wanted to run away but I was planted on that wooden dock for dear life. My spirit gradually opened back up and asked her to do a favor for me. 

I said, " I know you are confused and flustered now but please to don't be nervous or afraid. I didn't do this to hurt you. I care about you so deeply. I just want you to see the world as I see it. I know I have already asked you to do so much this evening but if you can do this one last thing, I will never crush you again." I stepped back a bit and smiled. " I want you to close your eyes and think of all the emotions that poison your soul. Then I want you to climb on top of the ledge; don't worry I will support you, and then scream at the top of your lungs. Say anything that harms you, kills you, stunts your growth. I will be here every word of the way. Let the wind carry your burdens miles out to sea. Let the ocean deal with your worries. Let mother nature run it's course."

She was hesitant at first but went for it in the end. She stepped onto the ledge and prepared for her rebirth. I coddled her waist as she opened her heart to the waves. I told her to spread her arms as she spoke. Her journey was beautiful, though it was such a confusing feeling when I witnessed her soul. I was weak from her deep sadness that chained her body yet strong by the majestic retrieval of her life.

 She said so many different things but these words I couldn't forget:

"I am so lonely! I want to start my life over and forget about my past. When will it stop hurting? Will my parents ever accept me whole heartedly? When will I love again?"

I understood her pain and held her tighter. She spoke to the wind for a half hour. Crying and breathless every once in a while; and shaking and coughing the next. It was too amazing. When she stepped down and hugged me; I didn't say a word. There was no need. We walked back to the shore with our hands intwined. I grew a gentle smile on my face. I knew it was the first step to getting my best friend back. 

Goodbye Judy

In our apartment you were nine steps away from me. Inside my heart you were every ninth beat, preserving me.

Two years have passed since our paths collided. It was not like the average explosion people feel when first meeting; it was much more significant... Like two young stars caught in the same violent force field of a life, gradually coming closer and closer to one another, filling each other's crevasses and smoothing over hard times, to produce one beautiful planet of friendship. I guess I can't speak for you but from what I recall, we had great revolutions.

I have enjoyed all of our memories from:
Late night/early morning talks To Riverside blues, TO running into HIM while we were not composed, TO that cute photo shoot of you, TO those heart felt revelations about life (which were my favorite), TO desserts and music, TO taking in the ocean breeze, TO seeing that B-Boy battle and much much more! You are a great roommate and a phenomenal person. I am so happy that we witnessed each other grow. I really hope we stay in touch when we go our separate ways. You are amazing. Thank you. 

Smile: A New Beginning

I was never good at being alone. And of course, since humans are creatures of habit, I ran away from my deepest connections in hopes to preserve my own existence. It was reckless, but the wind was at my back. It seemed to be my only chance to take flight....

I collapsed at the edge of the world. My fragile, folded wings were burned by the merciless sun in the pure, blue sky. There was nothing but a desert of failure around me. Weary, I fell in and out of restless sleep.

I had traveled as far as I could from the dangerous rays of loneliness but it was no use, it still made its home in my heart, where I kept my dearest comrade in a dark room, while I danced with sadness alone.

I don't remember how much time I spent at the edge of my world, but I can recall one life changing detail. He said:

 "Tell me now, do you want to live your

life as a pessimist or an optimist? Life was started for you

but it is up to you to live it, love it and finish it. 

Don't keep people out, AND Embrace your existence."

I took flight as a new person that day and headed towards my new life with passion and intelligence. His sweetest words swirled through my wings on my journey home:

"It's okay to smile for yourself. Even if you can't let go of the past,

I will still be there to meet you tomorrow."

Birth of a volcano: A short story

Long ago during Earth's crowning,
While land migrated and seas stirred with madness,
She made her home in silence.

Years passed.

Dull elevation; a blank mound.

Living had no design.

She gave nothing to this world.

Then one day, with breath of life

Conceived an orchid at her bosom.

Repaired.

Oceans calmed; lands bashful,

Witnessed the stain of mortality.

Nursed beneath the sultry broth;

The fragile youth swayed through timid whispers.

Sheltered from the Western winds and coddled by 

Gentle elegance,

Growth was inevitable.

As life maintained, so did she.  

Fascination gave rise to massive strength,

Parenting gave thick uprising and

Purpose evolved vigor majesty.

Soon, seasons changed. 

Death possessed existence.

Inside; silent no longer.

Reborn by darkness,

Twisted, turbulent, fury surfaced.

Molten damage took hold.

Nothing could survive her wrath.

With this as her commencement,

New Form:

A maternal gift to Earth. 

Crossroad

Do you see it? Tell me, will you see it? It's sucking me in. I want to go, but not without you. No, don't close your eyes! Don't be afraid to feel yourself for the first time. Give me your hand. Here, jump onto this train. The tracks are bumpy but the ride is safe. It is going to take us to where wisdom resides. Please! I can't get off! Reach out to me like I am to you. Come now, how much longer do you plan on waiting? What are you waiting for? I can't outrun time, can you? I don't want to let you go, but the distance between us is growing larger and larger and I can't wait here without exhausting my innocence. Tell me what you need! It isn't me, is it. If it were, then you would be right by my side. Hurry, give me your answer, I can't hold the train up much longer. My fruit is ripe, don't let me spoil it. If you can see it, then we can rebuild it. It is up to you now.