My 5-7-5: Winter 09

Snow, deep red, reflects
my past. Healing thanks to the
sword of the stranger.

A very special
bond, soaked in new feelings.
I will never dry.

The clear sky made no
difference when looking past
the pale horizon.

Pupils build and swell
while gray clouds slip westward
in the eastern sky.

An unrequited
memory: the rabbit fell
in love with the ox.

In snow: How many
footsteps does it take before
the first disappears?

New moon gives new light.
The breaking of barriers:
Ending of Lone Wolf.

Wisdom's encumbered,
as a chill breeze blows down the
rugged mountain side.

Snow falls quickly on
a slow beating chest; the heart,
waiting for shelter.

The glimpse of your warm
breath in the cool night sky spins
passion deep within.

The tree outside my
window taps harder now, than
in lazy summer.

Yakusoku

       I have never kept a promise to myself. No New Years resolutions touched or conquered, no birthday wishes fulfilled or have come true. Well, both New Years and my birthday are coming up quickly and I will make sure there will never be a similar past remembered from this day forward.
       I feel that I can respect myself enough to call myself an adult, and in doing so, I have many responsibilities to dominate and trials to overcome. This is a fair trade for the life I want.
       Growing up I always worried about what others were doing or what they might think of me and I never focused on what was inside. Recent revelations relieved me of this habit and now I look to myself to find out what I have in store for my own life.
       I am making the leap. I want to live my life the way I want it. I am asking a lot from myself, but my reward is phenomenal. So, here it goes, the things I want in the next ten years (in no particular order):

See RADWIMPS live.
I want to speak and understand Japanese.
I want to move to Japan for two years.
I want one starry night with my unrequited love.
Graduate from UC Riverside.
I want a male Boston Terrier and name him Mugen.
See Dave Matthews live.
Enter a poetry contest.
Save a life.
Find and enjoy my career job.
Dance on top of a skyscraper.
Take my mother on a trip.
Get in shape/fit.
Host a party by myself.
Visit Philadelphia and New York City.
Wield a sword.
Hang glide over a vast spring meadow.
Play hide and seek.
Have one full blown magical karaoke night.
See inside of a volcano.
Write a short story and have it published.
Cliff dive into the Pacific Ocean.
Give a speech to a medium sized crowd.
Formally apologize to my father.
Spend one night in a forest.
Successfully radiate womanhood.
Have a happy conversation with a complete stranger.
Extinguish my social anxiety.
Calm my warring heart.
Got to Akihabara (biggest Anime/Manga convention in the world!)

I wish myself luck.

Hide and Seek

I'm pressed against a eucalyptus tree.
As I wait, my fingers tap anxiously
Yet delicately on the smooth, gray bark;
A shiver devastates my dignity.
I want to be found, but at the right time.
I shake with excitement. I close my eyes
To hush my spirit. My ears perk up as
The dried leaves break underneath your footsteps.
I slink into the red and brown, as you
Whisper, "I've found you." I open my eyes
To the ground and see your hand. But before
I can respond, we hear a whistle in
The distance; your mother's call. Finally,
I see your face and your smile replaced
The moon. You back up quickly while staring
Right through me. I am frozen. Once again,
Saving my emotions for another
Day. You turn away and run down the street.
I look up; the sky is crisp, and a chill
Breeze blows across my cheek. Winter is here.

Experiment

Someone decided to share something very special, and with that I shared right back.


Backstory: While hearing the song for the first time, I had an urgency to write. I wrote whatever I felt and whatever crossed my mind during that time. It was surprising and random, but also very relieving and therapeutic. I changed the piece a little bit so it could be somewhat grammatically correct. Though it is still absolutely unorthodox, I decided to present it anyway. This is what I wrote in those five minutes.


I breathe in the memory and breathe out anticipation:
I can picture myself at the place promised in my younger days. It's night time and I am walking around in the biggest city in the world.... 
A promise was made. A spirit was left behind. I'm cold, but its okay.
I look up to the sky; there are no stars, but I can feel them. 
I can feel them. 
I can feel them.
Cheeks red, hands steady in the dark. The heart beat, unrecognizable.
Of all the promises I have been told or I have said, I hope that this one succeeds... It can't be helped. You can't do that to a girl without consequence. 
I will return again. 
I will return again. 


Again.

I shall call you Ox; and I, Rabbit. For it is because you believe in it. 
A promise: an unrequited memory.
Kiss the stars with me.


Again - none of it could make sense to a stranger's eyes, but this is what came out.


http://www.last.fm/music/The+American+Dollar/_/Rudiments+of+A+Spiritual+Life
This is the song that brought these words. 

If miracles do occur, I want to show you now

He is the hardest to talk about, write about, and think about; but I do it all the time.



I had a dream last night.

My mild yellow hair bounced in the wind, my hand barely fit the palm of his hand. He held a light blue kite in his other. I could see white clouds grazing in the sky behind his head. I gazed at his face and saw soft eyes and a welcoming smile. The sun was out but somehow it wasn't the source of warmth I felt.

If I remember correctly, I think I was smiling back and using my right hand to tug at his khaki pants. My pink dress danced over my boney legs. My white shoes nestled in the green grass on our favorite hill. And all I could hear was the wind. He never said a word, but his love entered me with safe landing. I remember thinking this was my favorite day life had shared with me.

I woke up miserable.

Such a happy moment with him, but another he never got to share with me.

What I am trying to say is that I need us now more than ever. Looking back he did nothing wrong.

He can't go anywhere until I tell him how I feel. I'm sinking below the ground now. It's hollow - the memories of him and me.

June still burns a hole in my heart.

Now speaking directly:

I wonder if you will ever let your guard down; the barrier I built myself. I crafted your walls with bricks of cold steel without knowing possible permanence. I want you to know that I want to rip down your walls if it takes the rest of my life. But I'm afraid. Which foot should I move forward first?

Give me a sign. Take my hand one day so I can give you my heart. I am burning up.

Not even the biggest storm can wash away the memories of hurting you. I don't want them to go away. Can you see it by the way I move? I am becoming a women now and I don't want you to miss a single part of it. I don't want to miss any part of you either.

Brace yourself, I'm coming towards you. I'm going to tear up the fifteen years of loss and pain. Will you let me come back to you?

I think I will finally be able to move forward once I see inside your heart and know that you have forgiven me.

Blank Verse - Remember

Constant mist on the hills of Vietnam,
Slipping off the rugged bluffs engulfing
The salty spray from the breaking ocean.
I practice the freezing of memories,
Making it hard to bear the smudge of time.
Chasing, staying, waiting, saving
All that is you and me; treasuring the
Dandelion and the mage. And clocks tick
In my ear while you sit silent on the
Cliff, watching the blurry sun vaporize
Another memory. The head and heart
Are chaotic. I am ready to fall;
Say my name so not to disappear.
Summon to mind the first kiss underneath
Orion's Belt. Never, will I deny
Your life, even though I bend in the wind
Knowing that I'm a stranger, always.
Can you feel my tears? Are they warm or cold?
'Tis Nostalgic, or is it another
Blemish caused by cloudless rain from your sky?
Just lay your hand on mine to remember;
I am begging, don't forget about me.

My Favorite Day of October

Were you born in the early morning when the Sun was waking? Were you born when the Moon coaxed the world to sleep? Or maybe you came here when the Sun was highest in the sky. Oh goodness, just another piece of you I don't know. You are becoming the most valuable puzzle I call mine and yet so many pieces are missing. I hope to collect them soon.

What should I get you? Where can I take you? Who should I bring with me? Why can't I think straight? The only thing I can see is your love. How can I reflect it back to you? I love you. I need you. I want to show you.

Would a tidal wave of sunflowers be sufficient?
Could a flood of happy tears and breathless speech be adequate?
Can a star that is given your name seem acceptable?
Will a new house leave you pleased?

.... At least I know one thing; all you want is to be with me.
And I, with you.

I am so happy. Today is a great day.
Happy Birthday Mother, Happy Birthday.

My 5-7-5: Fall 09

Sunflower patience:
The butterfly finally
came home for your love.

In the confession,
wild rivers run down deep;
patriarchal confidence.

Two touching smiles:
finally my first best friend;
eggs over easy.

Swirls of blue-orange,
largest smile in the sky:
double edge and flow

Last golden treasure
taken by mother nature.
Now look to the stars.

A ghost haunted by
the loss of words forgotten
under the oak tree.

Changing the daylight,
cool nights stir impressive winds.
A morning surprise!

Falling so far up
past the naked, dark abyss;
confronting my mind.

Shape shifting nature
unravels emotional
gifts sitting in clouds.

Reality check-
Green going on vacation
as I go to school.

Another Sunny
night filled with Dee and the gang
Hooray for Thursdays!

My Sunflower

Over forty years in the making -
And I haven't even seen half of it.

For twenty years I have seen you from up close and afar, but I had never comprehended the magnitude of your being till now. You have reached me.
-the sweet smell that surrounds my soul
-the golden shades swirling in my hair
-the treasured form of innocence
You let me eat from the only heart source you had. Plucking your golden petals and carelessly walking on your roots. I stayed sheltered while you stood planted on the ground in the rain. But you never looked more beautiful when the storm finally stopped and the sun came out. You always fought my battles till one day you ripped open the cocoon I hid inside; unfolding my premature wings and pushing me out to the world. At that moment I felt I lost your precious affection but in time I realized your affection never ceased.
I have taken so much from you since the very moment I was born. Since I am older, there are so many things I want to give back to you but I have not quite mastered my technique at life. When I do, I will come back to you and fulfill my part of our circle you started.
There is one more thing that I need from you; above all, it is your never ending love. The love that never wavers or boasts, the love that never weakens when burned or cut, the love that never follows hate and selfishness.
With this I can go on knowing that you are satisfied with what you have created. You, being the one who is planted on the ground; and I being the one with your gift of wings, will give you the power to evolve once I overcome the past, present, and future.

Now, like a Monarch Butterfly, I come and go,

because my quest is not over.

Though I am not in Kansas, you'll always be my sunflower.

Starfish!

Woke up to a melancholic heart beat, so I drove to the ocean to soak up the cheerful rays of the sun. I ventured along the line where the water tagged the sand. It was a bit windy, but because it prevented me from hearing my thoughts, it felt very relaxing.
I must have walked a half mile down the coast before spotting a small wading pool. As I got closer to the pool I found a strange yellow creature resting on a rock six inches below the surface.  

It was a starfish! But unfortunately one of it's limbs was missing. Once the realization set in, my body began to fill with liquid sadness and humiliation. It burst out of my eyes and ran down my cheeks like a wild river flood. Oh poor starfish with a part of himself missing! Luckily he was already piecing himself back together, easing the misfortune just a little.

Seeing the starfish incomplete swarmed my body and wrapped it up with shame. Constructing such blue funk feelings a few hours prior gave a bitter taste in my mouth. Nothing about my life should've inspired a heavy heart that played tunes of hopelessness. 

Once I woke up from my awkward moment inside myself, I decided to step into the water. The cool water felt wonderful on my skin. Knee deep and looking for a place to sit, I crafted a seat with a piece of old wood and two rocks. Now comfortable and stable I focused on him, and only him.

There was a strange and undeniable feeling to speak to the creature aloud. As if it were to give acknowledgment to the starfish as my equal or something. I really can't explain the exact feelings felt at the time but I went with it and began talking to the sea star.

I told him that even though I did not know him I thought he was amazing and that the life he lived must be fueled by courage and patience - a remarkable scene. Asking questions like what was life for him on a daily bases, how many tears were his that contributed to the ocean we sat in, how can he be so calm while life passes him by so quickly with dark waters and salty hardships, and is he ever scared when thinking about how big his world is. All while having a lump in my throat. 

I wished to have known what happened to him and his limb. If only a starfish could talk...

I listened to the waves for a while as I composed myself and rested under the giant ball of fire in the sky. He moved closer to the surface since I last had my eyes on him, making me feel like he was interested in more of what I was saying; sparking another drawn out, one-sided conversation.

I slid into the water next to him and spoke softly about how embarrassed I felt about being sad and lonely. It was selfish and conceited of me to feel such things. Creating problems in my own world for reasons unknown to my fragile mind. I told him about all the precious opportunities given to me that I shattered with my own hands. Distancing myself from my makers and building walls around me ten years thick.

I managed to grow the courage to touch my new friend, balancing gentle strength and curious attitude. 

Lastly, saying how thankful I was to meet such a being. Honored for feeling such pain for something that had no ties to me. Bringing myself down to a secure level and admitting my wrongs to be lifted back up to mature ground. With a healthy sigh and stretch out of the brackish pond, I said my grateful goodbye and wished my friend good luck and to stay strong for the both of us. I told him that I would hold up my end of the promise as well. Leaving with a playful giggle and peace of mind - starfish revelation! 

My 5-7-5: Summer 09

August rushing in:
The rise and fall of summer;
Don't forget to write.

Wavering life form-
Gazing at Father's kingdom;
deepest wake up call.

Burn the book you read.
Wake up from this fairy tale;
there's no prince for you.

The picture on the wall;
the back, never to have seen light.
That is why I'm here.

Vanilla with salt:
Slightly off from what I seek;
the way I like it.

Monarch butterfly!
Gentle as you come and go;
but why go so far?

Move on? No, move not.
Even though you're not a cloud;
take things in lightly.

Lighthouse I'm perplexed!
Shine light on others for nought;
man made, yet man can't.

My eyes set on red...
A warm and innocent night;
will age mean nothing?

Yellow butterflies.
Gentle as a vineyard breeze;
they are inside me.

Welcome home August!
Please accompany me to
my yellow brick road.

Dear August

For most of my life I paid no mind to you. You were just a pointless month in the calculated calendar system. You were  a hot and lonely period of time. Nothing interesting happened when you came around. No doubt you didn't just come and go without a trace. A few examples if i may... You used your hot breath to silence and chain me to the couch where I sat under the ceiling fan. You used your mischievous ways when it came to nature as well. You really knew how to make me slave away, collecting all the leaves that fell from the trees in my yard. Not to mention the closing in on school. Oh and I will definitely, always remember fainting in front of my friends while running at the track. Thanks, really professional, August. Ok, these were just a few of the many tasteful memories I have with you. So to sum it up, I really hated you back then.

BUT!

Two years ago, my thoughts about you completely changed. You accompanied me to an unfamiliar place. A place where all my dreams could come true. A place where I could represent myself for who I truly am inside. A place where I could fulfill my goals of womanhood. A place where I could become a better person, share different culture, and experience new chapters of my existence. August, I have to tell you, you really helped me figure things out. I take back all the negative things I said about you. You are now a wonderful month to experience. Although you can be devilish at times when you pack on the heat. Other than that I can't complain because I have you to thank for my intimate nostalgia, messy memories, severe excitement, romantic feelings, and something to look forward to. Now whenever you come around I reopen the memories I experienced and think about how much I want to feel those memories come back to life. I get all warm inside and throughout your time here I tend to smile.

I would like to acknowledge you as the month that changed my life. I also have a secret to tell you too, but for now I will keep it to myself until I reach my destination. And with the hardships of school and coming into adulthood and owning up to my past and perfecting my career, will all be worth it: when I walk down that japanese yellow brick road, and while the chirps of the bicycles and the pitter patter of the busy people going by.... I will sit under the trees, on a small, wooden bench and soak in my little fairy tale, as it finally comes to life.

Thank you.

Loss of Words

Two girls.

Yellow butterflies at the beach. 

Seen by no one.

They were inside me.

I took her hand and led her to the edge of the pier. I paced our walk to give it a calm and collected feel but it was no use, my hands were moist with anxiety. I could tell that she felt something was going through my mind, but I would not satisfy her claim. When we reached the end, I asked her not to speak for a while. I nervously held her from behind. I pressed against her and wrapped my arms around her chest. I could feel her heart pound. It was deep and weary. I rested my thoughts on her shoulder while the sun said his goodbyes.

I could tell she was getting uncomfortable. I decided that it was finally time to explain my abnormal behavior. It was dark and we were the only ones on the pier. The mood was set perfectly, for me that is. I called her name and turned her around to face me. I stared deeply and forcefully into her eyes and asked her not to look away. She did so gracefully. What I saw in those eyes was a twisted scene. Wet, broken windows that opened to a world of loneliness. They were dark and dead. I couldn't take it anymore, I grabbed her shoulders tight.

I wanted to take away all the pain and suffering she had been brooding over for the past decade. I tried my best to make her happy that whole time. She would smile for a while and then things would go back to normal. I really wanted to help her. I had given her everything to the best of my ability. The only thing I had left was myself, so I did what I thought was my last resort. I leaned in and kissed her lips. They were so soft and warm. My heart began to sweat, my eyes began to rain, and my lips tried to suck out her pain.

I was so afraid to open my eyes to see what was before me, but I pieced the courage together in seconds. I looked directly into her wide, open eyes. She was speechless. I told her that I loved her and that I would always be by her side. I put my palm on top of her head and said that she wasn't alone.

The wind began to pick up and the waves from the ocean sprayed our warm bodies as we stood silently looking in opposite directions. I felt so lost at that point, I wanted to run away but I was planted on that wooden dock for dear life. My spirit gradually opened back up and asked her to do a favor for me. 

I said, " I know you are confused and flustered now but please to don't be nervous or afraid. I didn't do this to hurt you. I care about you so deeply. I just want you to see the world as I see it. I know I have already asked you to do so much this evening but if you can do this one last thing, I will never crush you again." I stepped back a bit and smiled. " I want you to close your eyes and think of all the emotions that poison your soul. Then I want you to climb on top of the ledge; don't worry I will support you, and then scream at the top of your lungs. Say anything that harms you, kills you, stunts your growth. I will be here every word of the way. Let the wind carry your burdens miles out to sea. Let the ocean deal with your worries. Let mother nature run it's course."

She was hesitant at first but went for it in the end. She stepped onto the ledge and prepared for her rebirth. I coddled her waist as she opened her heart to the waves. I told her to spread her arms as she spoke. Her journey was beautiful, though it was such a confusing feeling when I witnessed her soul. I was weak from her deep sadness that chained her body yet strong by the majestic retrieval of her life.

 She said so many different things but these words I couldn't forget:

"I am so lonely! I want to start my life over and forget about my past. When will it stop hurting? Will my parents ever accept me whole heartedly? When will I love again?"

I understood her pain and held her tighter. She spoke to the wind for a half hour. Crying and breathless every once in a while; and shaking and coughing the next. It was too amazing. When she stepped down and hugged me; I didn't say a word. There was no need. We walked back to the shore with our hands intwined. I grew a gentle smile on my face. I knew it was the first step to getting my best friend back. 

Goodbye Judy

In our apartment you were nine steps away from me. Inside my heart you were every ninth beat, preserving me.

Two years have passed since our paths collided. It was not like the average explosion people feel when first meeting; it was much more significant... Like two young stars caught in the same violent force field of a life, gradually coming closer and closer to one another, filling each other's crevasses and smoothing over hard times, to produce one beautiful planet of friendship. I guess I can't speak for you but from what I recall, we had great revolutions.

I have enjoyed all of our memories from:
Late night/early morning talks To Riverside blues, TO running into HIM while we were not composed, TO that cute photo shoot of you, TO those heart felt revelations about life (which were my favorite), TO desserts and music, TO taking in the ocean breeze, TO seeing that B-Boy battle and much much more! You are a great roommate and a phenomenal person. I am so happy that we witnessed each other grow. I really hope we stay in touch when we go our separate ways. You are amazing. Thank you. 

Smile: A New Beginning

I was never good at being alone. And of course, since humans are creatures of habit, I ran away from my deepest connections in hopes to preserve my own existence. It was reckless, but the wind was at my back. It seemed to be my only chance to take flight....

I collapsed at the edge of the world. My fragile, folded wings were burned by the merciless sun in the pure, blue sky. There was nothing but a desert of failure around me. Weary, I fell in and out of restless sleep.

I had traveled as far as I could from the dangerous rays of loneliness but it was no use, it still made its home in my heart, where I kept my dearest comrade in a dark room, while I danced with sadness alone.

I don't remember how much time I spent at the edge of my world, but I can recall one life changing detail. He said:

 "Tell me now, do you want to live your

life as a pessimist or an optimist? Life was started for you

but it is up to you to live it, love it and finish it. 

Don't keep people out, AND Embrace your existence."

I took flight as a new person that day and headed towards my new life with passion and intelligence. His sweetest words swirled through my wings on my journey home:

"It's okay to smile for yourself. Even if you can't let go of the past,

I will still be there to meet you tomorrow."

Birth of a volcano: A short story

Long ago during Earth's crowning,
While land migrated and seas stirred with madness,
She made her home in silence.

Years passed.

Dull elevation; a blank mound.

Living had no design.

She gave nothing to this world.

Then one day, with breath of life

Conceived an orchid at her bosom.

Repaired.

Oceans calmed; lands bashful,

Witnessed the stain of mortality.

Nursed beneath the sultry broth;

The fragile youth swayed through timid whispers.

Sheltered from the Western winds and coddled by 

Gentle elegance,

Growth was inevitable.

As life maintained, so did she.  

Fascination gave rise to massive strength,

Parenting gave thick uprising and

Purpose evolved vigor majesty.

Soon, seasons changed. 

Death possessed existence.

Inside; silent no longer.

Reborn by darkness,

Twisted, turbulent, fury surfaced.

Molten damage took hold.

Nothing could survive her wrath.

With this as her commencement,

New Form:

A maternal gift to Earth. 

Crossroad

Do you see it? Tell me, will you see it? It's sucking me in. I want to go, but not without you. No, don't close your eyes! Don't be afraid to feel yourself for the first time. Give me your hand. Here, jump onto this train. The tracks are bumpy but the ride is safe. It is going to take us to where wisdom resides. Please! I can't get off! Reach out to me like I am to you. Come now, how much longer do you plan on waiting? What are you waiting for? I can't outrun time, can you? I don't want to let you go, but the distance between us is growing larger and larger and I can't wait here without exhausting my innocence. Tell me what you need! It isn't me, is it. If it were, then you would be right by my side. Hurry, give me your answer, I can't hold the train up much longer. My fruit is ripe, don't let me spoil it. If you can see it, then we can rebuild it. It is up to you now.