Awaken

"I wandered through fiction to look for the truth, buried beneath all the lies." - Goo Goo Dolls very first line in, "Before It's Too Late".

I'm tired and naive. I've wandered too far. I don't know what I am looking for anymore. I've forgotten why I even started. I can't remember the beginning of my saturation with fiction either. It's disturbing when recognized on your own. I better do something about this... Do you do this? Or rather, have you done this before? I have, in a few aspects of my life:

1. Social Skills - Lately, I have begun to notice a large difference in communication. When speaking face to face with friends or peers, I can't get anything out of my mouth. Maybe an undecided laugh or agreeable sigh but no input or interjections... Nothing. Oh wait! The occasional untimely red face that occurs when speaking with professors or people older than me. I also don't like to talk to people on the phone that much either. I prefer the wonderful, technological hideout: texting. I have recently thought about why I can't communicate as easily as I used to. I believe it might be because of my adventures with my new friends "Introverted" and "Overly Observant of Others". I originally started this to help me become a better writer for my classes in FICTION, and now it seems that I have taken a liking/habit to this style of living. (?) Yikes.

2. Creative Writing - Even my major is subject for speculation. I am not sure if I made the right choice anymore. It might be the fact that I am noticing writers don't really have that great of a chance to make it somewhere in the world, or maybe it's the fact that I am not a writer myself. I figured majoring in something I really enjoyed would be the best choice for me, but the "becoming a writer" after college slipped my mind a bit when making my choice. I just thought FICTION was my answer for school. I really thought of it as a "simple" truth. But. I will fight on.

3. Anime: The Most Ultimate FICTION! Ever. Fact: I got sucked in hard, and obsessed fast. It is sucking my life away. Crap! I mean I can just sit and sit and sit and sit and sit and watch anime shows all day long. There was this one time I sat and watched 7 hours of anime without getting up. It disturbs me to this day. I believe I started watching anime when I was 17 years old. The first anime I watched was "InuYasha". After that, I was hooked. It was at a time where I needed to get away from the world I had to deal with. You know how it is, adolescence can jack you up, right? And with that, I trucked along. I watched anime as much as I could and thought that it would solve all my immediate problems. Well now I need to get somewhere, be someone, and do something. Anime cannot do that for me, physically that is. I mean just the other day in conversation, I totally used a reference from a show I was watching hours before and I blurted out some Japanese... Why? I was so embarrassed. And on top of that, I want to digest more education and start reading more books and what not because just knowing about anime won't get me anywhere. Yuck. (But also, yumm. shh) It's beautifully complex and amazing. Wonderful stories.

4. Prince Charming - Let me face this head on. I do not want a Prince. I am not a Princess, and I never intend to be. FICTION screwed with me for a second, but now I am mostly back on track. I do know who I am looking for though. Enough said.

5. Dreams - Recently, I have begun to love sleep and dreams. I have somehow mastered how to "own" a dream. I can do or say or see or have whatever I want. It's a secret though. I will not tell the procedure to pure bliss and fantasy and FICTION. So, I now go through my days in a blurry haze, trying to focus on school and work and life, but the excitement of dreaming and what I want to dream about next, cradles so skillfully in the back of my skull. Thinking what do I want to dream of next? Midnight rendezvous? Genius Operation? Superhero? Assassination of a Negative Power? Love? Time Travel? Japan? Celebrity meet and greets? Flying? Anything I want. Being distracted by FICTION and slurring away the real and functional is not so good.

6. Japan - A place where I used to say could change my life. A place where I can start over. A place where all my dreams can come true. A place were I become alive. Blah... Doesn't that sound like a badger ripping a reindeer's head off? A place can't do that to a person the way I am expecting it to. FICTION had its warm, bright, deceptive hand on my vision of Japan. I still want to live there for a little while though. I just need to treat it as a real place, and not fantasy island. (I love Japan.)

But after all this said... I won't stop or change completely. These are parts of me, and what I like about me. I just need to use moderation and modification. I am just happy that I realized it myself, "Before It's Too Late".

Chimera (Delusion)

         In between a kotatsu and a shoji screen, lay two bodies. The small, unlit apartment stayed silent while clashes of light blistered the sky outside the window. Loud booms sliced the air, masking the emotional bond between two heaving chests in the middle of the living room.
         His were the first to land, slipping down her neck and dripping to the floor. She was frozen on her back with one hand on his chest and the other gripping his right shoulder, supporting half his weight above her. She looked up at his face. His eyes were shadowed by his untame, raven colored hair; and his lips hung loose as his breath fanned her skin. She heard his hands shake on the tatami mat as he slowly balled them into fists.
          Besides the melancholic rhythm of drops cast on her neck and collar bone, the only warmth she felt came from her upper right hip and thigh. They were straddled by his rattling knees. She wondered why she couldn't say anything. She had practiced perfect quotes for years, storing sentences in a sacred place, and imagining what he could possibly say in return. Now, she couldn't pluck out a single word. All she could do was stare at his quivering body through darting eyes.
         Her mind was a hurricane.
         Then, he said the words that silenced the madness within her. He said it slowly and carefully.
         "Hisashiburi desu. Ima, yakusoku desu."
         Her pupils built and swelled; her throat tightened, then expanded. The ginger gloss she put on so delicately over her lips minutes prior to their reunion, now bathed his.
         She had finally won.

A Life You Don't Live is Still Lost.

"I don't want to wake up knowing, I don't have a future." - the fourth line in "Impossible" by Shout Out Louds


         Now just reading the quote alone (by itself) might seem or even sound a little melodramatic; I took it as inspirational. I actually smiled, and blushing soon followed. Well, to each their own, I guess.
         It really got to me. That was the first time I heard anyone sing those words, or even say it for that matter.
         The first time I heard it, I took it out of context, only because I didn't know what the meaning/point of the song was yet. Currently, I purposely keep it out of context for the perfect boost of words I need to hear, to stay balanced and focused. I am excited about moving forward because, "I don't want to wake up knowing, I don't have a future."

Year of the Tiger

I do not have a diary, but if I did, I would simply draw a heart:
A record of a Love I will never forget. A love that I will proudly twist my fate for, just to feel it once more. A love that might not go the way I planned, but having felt it once, is more than enough to go on to something new. 


2010 is the year of the Tiger - a prep year for the year of the Rabbit, in which it becomes my year to shine and find all the answers I have questions to.


Cheers to my prep year!
Happy New Year Everyone